Then again, perhaps I'd overgeneralized my own recent stability for something that was inherent in the new enviornments I was entering.

Either way, it was a very interesting experience. I was watching the exact same explosion of loneliness and despair that I used to experience from an outsider's perspective.

The funny thing was, this friend of mine, he was talking about his anger at me for being so happy. Just goes to show how your perception of yourself and other's perceptions can be so different.

For me, this weekend was the triumph of sloth. I just bring myself to care enough to get anything important done. Things that were really nessicary, too. From depositing Laura's half of the bill money on the bank to working out, it all managed to slip my mind. In fact, while I only got four hours of sleep last night, I slept so much during the weekend that I'm not even tired right now.

This, of course, means that I have to get to work this week. I can't let things slip me by, and I can't give in to lazyness.

I remember, during my first summer off from college, I kept a pen-and-paper journal. Besides chronicalling the trials of a newly-employed factory working clocking in at least 80 hours a week, I also used it to diagnose what was wrong with me. Or rather, problems I had that needed to be fixed.

It's interesting, because those problems are almost exactly the same now as they were then: I need to be slower and more thoughtful when I speak. I need to have a higher energy level. I need to improve my physical endurance.

Being slower to speak is something I've improved, but I'm not quite where I want to be. This is primarily because I've yet to be as knowledgeable as I want to be. Come to think of it, I'll almost certainly never be as knowledgeable as I want to be, but right now I have yet to reach a level that I would consider acceptable, when I may only speak on manners in which I am well versed, and not have to remain mute a majority of the time.

The second is perhaps my primary concern at this time. Right now it's a lack of energy that's causing a majority of the problems in my life. If I had more "get up and go", than I would be much better off than I am right now.

The third is also important. It seems that even when I do have the energy to do something, I can't always finish the task. Originally, I put this on the problems list because I was having trouble keeping up with a former girlfriend in bed. Not sexually, mind you, I could always go the distance that way, but physically. She wanted me to go so fast, so hard, and would never get on top to do the work herself, that I would be worn out and barely able to keep up with her rather forceful insistance that I be faster or harder. (Also, she would sometimes look at the centerfolds of my Playboy magazines while we fucked, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about that.)

So, for about the millionth time, I've identified the problem. The next step, is to list the actions that I can take to fix the problem...

But you know what, I'm not going to do that. Because every time I do, it just continues the cycle of "despair, identify problems, identify actions to remedy problems, partake in actions for a little while, let laziness overcome, despair."

No, this time I'm not going to list, I'm just going to do. Starting right now, as I head off to the bank to keep my account afloat...