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 help wanted

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Sep 21, 2001
as you may have read in my previous diary entry, i have unearthed a burning hatred within myself. i have realized that a good way for me to combat this irrational emotion is through an expression of humor.

More diaries by osm
I don't enjoy life
Movie Review
Of Microsoft and "Great" Britain
The Truth Behind ESR's Sex Tips
The Dating Game
a day in the park with opalhawk
opalhawk's childlike innocence
[UPDATED]heavenly white roses seem to whisper to me when opalhawk smiles
Can't sleep? Bored with the same-ol' same-ol'?
no sleep for the weary
what the hell am i doing here?
smaerd dicul htiw erutnevda yadnus
a new hope
life changing event
life is grand
surgical strikes
decisions, decisions
lifestyle changes in face of terrorism
lesbian update
what a freak
MY weird uncle benny
Why Natalie Portman Is Better Than Any Of You
exorcising haunted attics
we've hit the big time, baby!
has natalie met her match??
unfortunately, she speaks english
a whole new perspective
Hell in a Handbasket
famous last words
I Miss Hauntedattics
Startling Revelation
Occupying America
Super Bowl Commercial
Happy Birthday, Reagan
OB-La-Di, OB-La-Da
Happy Valentine's Day!
The Day the Dopes Came Over
clusterlizard survives barage of hacking attempts!
I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep
This is my diary
Queen Mum Spontaneously Reanimates, Does Elvis Imitation

i have decided to make a short film in which a midget is used as a football. i am having some issues getting this produced, however.

first, i need to find a midget. unfortunately, as i have found out recently, one cannot just walk into kmart and buy a midget. i know of at least two midgets in this area. i'm wondering if i should place a newspaper ad, put up wanted posters or maybe try an auction on ebay? any advice would be helpful.

second, once i find a midget, how do i tell it that it will be utterly humiliated in this short film? do i tell it at all? of course, i will have to use a stuffed dummy for some of the special effects shots, so the midget itself will probably not suffer too much torment during filming.

third, for the glorious final scene, i need to acquire a recording of the hammer music from the classic arcade game, donkey kong. if anyone knows where i might obtain this music, please let me know. i have searched the web and only found midi reproductions of the music. this is unacceptable. it MUST be the original music, and must not contain any other sound effects from the game.

any help will be greatly appreciated and credited in the film.


Another source (5.00 / 1) (#1)
by aoc on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 07:35:17 PM PST
"Super Smash Brothers" for the N64 includes the hammer along with the exact sound effect from the original Donkey Kong. As a much more recent title you might have luck finding a recording from that game.

the background music? (none / 0) (#2)
by osm on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 07:42:59 PM PST
i'm looking for the background music that plays while you have the hammer, is that included?

Yeah (none / 0) (#4)
by aoc on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 09:12:18 PM PST
Your character starts flashing and the game music switches to the boopy-boop of the original. Pretty fucking classy.

SAG? (5.00 / 1) (#3)
by elenchos on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 07:55:05 PM PST
I would think the Screen Actors Guild can supply all the midgets you need. That's where every other film maker gets theirs. And as far as any loss of dignity the midget might suffer, why worry? I've never seen a film with midgets in it (nor chimps, btw, but that's another story) where the little fellows were depicted with anything but contempt and loathing. Yet obviously the SAG supplied them, and they came, if not of their own free will than for whatever reason moves midgets to show up on movie sets at the behest of the Guild. Fear? Shame? Whatever. That's the beauty of going through a jobber like the SAG. You have a movie to make, and you don't have time to get caught up with staffing nits, and so they are there to handle it for you.

This is no different than when you need some Mexicans to pick your strawberries or oranges or whatever, and you are not some compulsive labor-relations wonk (and who is?) who can worry over every little detail. Sub-contract and your worries are over!

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

speaking of SAG (none / 0) (#9)
by momocrome on Sun Sep 23rd, 2001 at 01:51:33 AM PST
I just checked with a producer friend of mine here in Hollywood (nothing fancy, he just does low budget and indy type stuff) and he informs me that midgets only work for scale, that is to say several hundred dollars a day minimum. It is also important to consider issues of the 'per diem' allowance for working out of town (greater than 50 miles from Los Angeles), room and board, insurance and stunt doubles for anything more involved than walking or sitting. HTH

You hate midgets? (none / 0) (#5)
by Verminator on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 10:32:34 AM PST
Sure, they're kind of weird and can be frightening at times, but that's no reason to hate them.

My cousin hangs out with Vern from Austin Powers a lot. I doubt I could get him though.

You better hurry, they seem to be dropping like flies. Kid Rock's midget died not too long ago and Hank the angry, drunken dwarf just died too.

died?! (none / 0) (#6)
by osm on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 11:31:34 AM PST
how the hell did that happen?!

seizure disorder, ethanol abuse, chondrodystrophy (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by cp on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 12:26:38 PM PST
You can read Hank's death certificate for yourself.

damn (none / 0) (#8)
by osm on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 02:47:19 PM PST
what a waste of a perfectly good midget

Mini Me? (none / 0) (#10)
by momocrome on Sun Sep 23rd, 2001 at 01:57:07 AM PST
I have heard disturbing rumors regarding Vern's full sized male genitalia hanging down to the floor. Ask your cousin to verify, the suspense is killing me.

Been there (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by Dexter Descarte on Tue Sep 25th, 2001 at 02:26:00 PM PST
I had a short film derailed by the inexplicable disapearance of the farm animal sex toy industry. We were all set, we had the footage of G Nosis slap raping a stuffed turkey, Sweet Cheeks laying the Aunt Jemima style on to T Nut was in the can, and all the sordid plot details worked out. But our big finale, the piece de resistance was shot down simply because it is impossible in this day and age to find an inflateable, fuckable sheep. The plan was to fill it with butane and have Wacky C fuck it 'till it exploded. God it would have been glorious.


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