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 Climbing the Corporate Ladder through Castration

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Sep 14, 2001
Whereas others are willing to ride the recent economic downturn with a come-as-it-may attitude of resignation, I've decided to take a proactive appraoch. Since my factory job in the textile industry of North Carolina is no longer secure and will inevitably be cut in the months ahead, I'm embarking on a new social and economic course to freedom.

I've decided to become a wandering eunuch.


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I hit upon the idea a couple years ago when I sat in squalor at my Durham apartment, watching ABC's 2020. I'd dozed off as they ran their usual tripe about the millennial hysteria, but when I awoke, I discovered they'd moved on to discussing the communities of ragtag eunuchs prospering in India.

Apparently, there's a big impromptu extortion industry flourishing in India by these bands of eunuchs who earn their livings dancing at weddings and birth celebrations. They crash these parties, and if their uninvited dancing is not rewarded with cash payments, they threaten to curse family or the infant. It seems there's a big superstition about this kind of thing there, because these eunuchs' demands rarely go unanswered.

At the time, I didn't think anything of it. "Those silly superstitious Indians," I muttered under my breath. Imagine ascribing supernatural powers to men without testicles. It's absurd on its face, no?

But recently, it's gotten me thinking. It's increasingly easy to get ahead in this world by exercising little testicular fortitude; ask any tabloid-journalism reporter and he'll tell you as much. Similarly, advances in reproductive technologies have made it possible to extend reproductive viability far beyond historical constraints on fertility; an automobile accident could bisect a man at the waist and he'd still rest assured that his cryogenically preserved semen will father legions of offspring to come.

So, then, what are the disadvantages to castration? Before answering that questions, I must first point out that I haven't even begun to exhaust the list of benefits. Testicular cancer claims numerous lives annually. Other adverse health conditions such as enlarged prostates can be directly linked to testosterone production chiefly occurring in the testicles. In professional sports, the testicles have long been recognized as perhaps the most vulnerable place on an opponent's body -- hence the reliance on protective cups and other body armor. Wouldn't it be more sensible to nip the problem in the bud by trimming the testicles to a nub?

The truth is, try as I might, I have been entirely unable to locate a single positive benefit accrued by continuing testicle possession. Whether it's mundane effects like the shorter lifespans due to the agency of testosterone, or exotic effects like the billions of dollars lost every year to prostitution and pornography, there is no rational basis for insisting on maintaining two or any testicles between one's legs. It isn't the Indians who are supersitious in this matter; it is we who tenaciously cling to vestiges of an obsolete system of biological plumbing.

Can I expect to be as profitable as my Indian eunuch brethren? Certainly not at first. There is much cultural inertia to overcome, and Americans do not yet share the same superstitions concerning supernatural threats that line Indian eunuchs' coffers. On the other hand, the barrier to entry in the Americvan marketplace is considerably smaller than in India. For one, there is no preexisting supply of threatening eunuchs -- it's a completely untapped market. For another, American healthcare (expensive but nonetheless the best in the world) minimizes any attendant health consequences like infection, prorating any resulting profits at 100%. And perhaps best of all, whereas networks of informants are required to apprise the eunuchs of imminent weddings and birthday celebrations, such events are widely and publicly reported in American newspapers. Entire sections are devoted to such announcements, making the process of locating potential marks as easy as flipping through the phonebook.

This isn't to say I don't face any obstacles in my new career path; the plight of entrepeneurs and the self-employed is well documented. I fully expect to face considerable resistance from creditors who will be reluctant to finance my groundbreaking but unproven economic ventures. Whereas it would've been simple two years ago to issue and IPO with the ticker symbol BALLZ and rake in billions, the market for capital is considerably more constrained today and promises to continue being so well into the near future.

I am not without hope, however. Since I've already filed for a business-plan patent with the US Patent and Trademarks Office to keep my initial competition to a minimum, all that remains is to strike it big with a few early marks. Hollywood celebrities, for example, are notoriously vulnerable to fashions and superstitions, and so it's a simple matter of finding a wedding bash between two famous scientologists or perhaps the birth of Madonna's next child. Once I've had some initial success, I can sit back while word of mouth circulates and soon all celebrities will want me dancing at their celebrations. I won't even have to resort to extortion until after I've ridden the fashion wave for all it's worth.

Is there a future for me in the field of eunuch extortion? I sure hope so. Frankly, it's a little late to go stapling my testicles back on, though as I pointed out above, the health benefits of removing them probably counsel in favor of that result anyway. For now, I'm living the American dream, and no one can take that away from me. And if this doesn't work out, there's always a profitable career waiting for me in harem patrol. You never know; the Secret Service might be hiring and I hear they've got a couple young maidens to keep in line.


Yay for eunuchs (5.00 / 1) (#4)
by fluffy grue on Fri Sep 14th, 2001 at 11:18:01 AM PST
Actually, the ones in India go to a further extreme than just testicle removal... they completely remove all their genitals. Most of them are born intersexed etc., and so are considered "defective" by the parents anyway and so they don't mind "forgetting" about the children and letting the wandering bands of eunuchs have at 'em.<P>

That said, I fully endorse any form of voluntary population control, and I find the thought of someone who has specifically removed their sexual function to be erotic. (Yes, it's a very ironic fetish.)<P>

From what I've read from eunuchs (both testicle-only and "smoothies" who have <a href="">removed everything</a>), the loss of libido makes intimacy all the more fulfilling, and orgasm is still possible but a much more "personal" thing (I assume that by that, they feel that it's not just a biological thing anymore, but something which is deliberate and a much greater personal reward).

But don't you miss licking them? (5.00 / 1) (#5)
by localroger on Fri Sep 14th, 2001 at 08:14:05 PM PST
Oh wait, that was my cat that had that problem. The fake ones we had the nice doctor install satisfied him nicely, even though they're made of some kind of fancy plastic and obviously don't produce testosterone.

Good luck with your project, I think you'll need it.

Superstition & empirical evidence (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Coward on Thu Sep 20th, 2001 at 09:04:26 AM PST
I find the low number of comments in this thread to be empirical evidence that the fear of eunuchs is not limited to India and a good sign that your plan will be a success.

That said, it is not a profession I would choose to enter as I am not particularly fond of body mod at the tattoo & piercing level to begin with.
I have had knee surgury, I admit, but I was trying to avoid worse body mod in the form of increased cartelege (sp?) damage.

However, I wonder about the life extension properties of lack of testosterone since, isn't DHEA, a testosterone precursor, touted as increasing one's lifespan?
-- Support the home page homeless.


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