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 Review: Planet of the Apes

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 29, 2001

I've always been a "Planet of the Apes" fan. From the time I was little, I've had t-shirts, toys and fond memories of the movie and the television series. Needless to say, I was quite excited to hear about this movie, almost as excited as when I heard Natalie Portman was to appear in "The Phantom Menace". So, with that in mind, here is my review of "Planet of the Apes" - guaranteed to be without spoilers!


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I went to the movie at 10:05pm. The theater was still packed and I could only get a seat toward the front. That was a good sign, I decided. I took up my seat and settled down with my large coke and popcorn smothered in butter. I was quite fortunate entering the theater, as three very lovely young ladies opened the door for me. It was a most exciting start to the movie.

A few seconds before the film, four more lovelies took up seats in the row in front of me. They were quite nubile, at least from what I could tell in the darkened theater. One, in particular, was very thin and had a small, cute nose. Her hair was pulled back in a knot. I only wish I could have seen what color her eyes were.

The movie itself was rather darkly toned. This was unfortunate, because I wasn't getting much illumination on the cutie. However, I was diligent and there were several times throughout the film where a bright flash of light would afford me a better glimpse of my new friend. I was able to make out some very fine cheekbone structure and nice fullness of the lips. I was positioned such that I mostly got profiles of her, and they were quite nice.

At one point, the sweetie got up with her friend. I can only assume they were visiting the ladie's room to powder their noses and perhaps discuss feminine issues. It was then that I got a fine glimpse of her full body. Lithe, with breasts that were just right, not at all too large. She was wearing a white shirt (as best I could tell) which fit snugly around her body. Quite feminine in shape, with a pleasing buttocks. I was also able to ascertain that she was wearing very little makeup.

The ladies were gone for some time and I concentrated on the film. I noticed the film featured several apes and a cute blonde.

At last, the fine example of femaledom returned and I was once again intoxicated by her complete cuteness and form. There must have been a humorous moment in the film, because she laughed, exposing a fine set of gleaming teeth. Her eyes sparkled as she laughed.

Finally, the film ended and I managed to get behind the object of my analysis. Her gait was exemplary and her bottom seemed to call out to me with each footstep. I examined the exposed flesh of her back and noticed it was perfectly smooth. Nary a blemish. Quite inviting.

All in all, I would have to recommend this film to anyone interested. In this time of rising ticket prices, it is quite refreshing to finally see something worth the money.


Don't spoil it for me, but... (4.33 / 3) (#5)
by elenchos on Sun Jul 29th, 2001 at 04:47:09 PM PST
...what kind of atmosphere does "Planet of the Apes" have? I found previous 'Apes movies were just right, but I've noticed with many recent films that the air conditioning is turned up way to high, and the place is just freezing. Or else, especially now with rising electricity costs, it is just too darn hot. I think a good film review should tell me about this kind of thing before I go.

Also, is there a European cut? When I was in Germany, I saw the non-US version of "Basic Instinct." The main difference was that over there, you could drink beer in the theater (or "Kino" as they called it), and they had a convienint shelf that ran along the back of the seats for you to set your beer on. I drank Bis Pils, IIRC. The other thing was that unlike the American cut, the Euro version of Basic Insticnt featured no air conditioning at all, and a mostly German audiance, who seemed to only bathe weekly, and had an allergy to deodorant, unlike what you would see in a typical US film.

All in all, given a choice between the US or Euro version of a movie, its a pretty tough call, and it generaly comes down to a sort of Hersheys vs. Ritter Sport kind of choice, if you know what I mean.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

no. (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by osm on Sun Jul 29th, 2001 at 10:03:48 PM PST
it was no "Leon".

What sound system did the theater have ? (5.00 / 1) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jul 29th, 2001 at 06:29:42 PM PST
Was it THX ? If so, did the movie make the most of the multiple sound channels ?

no. (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by osm on Sun Jul 29th, 2001 at 10:03:19 PM PST
Natalie Portman was not in the movie.

Please, we'd like to know more (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by suick on Sun Jul 29th, 2001 at 11:41:12 PM PST
Can you tell us about the habits portrayed by your new friend? Does she comb her hair before going to bed? What color are her PJ's? Does she have any posters of Natalie on her wall? Is there anything else of note which you can tell from her bedroom window?

I mean, the show doesn't end with the movie--and I'm almost convinced that going to see "Planet of the Apes" will be a positive life event. Unless I'm caught. Naturally.

c'mon, lower.

dear friend, (5.00 / 2) (#10)
by osm on Sun Jul 29th, 2001 at 11:51:16 PM PST
this fine creature had a lush head of hair, i can only assume, by the obvious amount of attention she gives it, that she must, indeed, brush it before laying herself unto her bed. i would guess at least 50 strokes per side. her hair had a very nice sheen and, as i was leaving, i noticed a fresh scent from it which was reminiscent of a fresh spring day.

also, i would guess a woman of such fine taste and obvious moral superiority (you would not find a LADY like this associating with spaghetti's two-timing gnu-hippie ilk) would, of course, have at least one Natalie Portman poster mounted in such a way as to be easily viewed and free of any obstructions, such that kissing it (tenderly) before brushing her hair to go to bed would be most easy.

i can also deduce her style of night-wear. i am quite certain she sleeps in the lightest white silken gown. cut above the knees and just dark enough that the eye is drawn away from the details of her firm breasts and forced to concentrate on their shape, which shames the greek geometries.

Get serious (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by specom on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 11:58:04 AM PST
Now that we've all had our laugh can we get serious here for a minute and discuss the real issue at hand? Was your popcorn "smothered in Butter" or "Butter flavored product"

Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded.

no. (5.00 / 2) (#12)
by osm on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 01:54:59 PM PST
the butter was not the sweet nectar of Natalie Portman's womanhood.

Yeeccccccch! (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by specom on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 03:36:17 PM PST
I have no idea how to respond to this.

Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded.

yes. (5.00 / 3) (#14)
by osm on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 03:44:25 PM PST
Natalie Portman leaves me speechless as well.

Very impressive - a "must" see! (5.00 / 1) (#15)
by coeus on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 11:14:46 PM PST
So the question is, in all your viewing pleasure, did you actually take the time or gather enough of the necessary hormone (maybe even "grow a pair") to speak with this woman? Ask her our? Complement her shoes?

Considering you were watching a movie where the dominant species all look like apes, one would think this impressionable young woman would find even the geekiest of humans appealling. Your chances were definitely above average!

Did you even try?

You despicable man (5.00 / 1) (#16)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jul 31st, 2001 at 03:59:55 AM PST
A dream is much better than reality. It is much better to examine a female from afar, and her sublime perfection, than to speak to her and discover that she is petty minded and vain.

Each further level of interaction with a female brings one extra chance of your dreams being smashed. If she already looks perfect, the chances of her being an angel are minimal.

Those of us with real taste have learned that it is better to observe these beauties from far away, than to interact with them and smash the dream.

The worst misogynists were originally men who interacted with women regularly. It is better to avoid that altogether.

Alas... (5.00 / 1) (#17)
by coeus on Tue Jul 31st, 2001 at 08:34:34 AM PST
Alas, you are correct. I forget myself often whilest attempting to pluck the beautiful, yet often foul tasting berries from the tree...

Thank you for reminding me, and putting me in my place.

WTF? (2.00 / 3) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 2nd, 2001 at 09:14:30 AM PST
WTF?? What kind of lame web site is this? You post a movie review and all you talk about are the chicks in the theatre? "News for Grown Ups" indead, what are you, 12 years old??

Duh, its a commentary on social mores (NT) (none / 0) (#19)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jan 26th, 2002 at 07:24:17 PM PST


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