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 Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode II

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Dec 21, 2001
In Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I, I covered the basics of stealthy body contact.

In this installment, we take a break from the "real world" and explore the innermost depths of our subconscious. Warning! This episode is not for those with any semblance of a life. Though, I guess if you had a life, that would preclude you being here.

Prologue: (A Cat's) Ode to Joy

all is bliss in the window i rest
Natalie Portman strokes my back.
stroke stroke stroke

all is bliss in the gutter the nest sits
Natalie Portman flutters by
flutter flutter flutter

all is bliss in my mind i await her tongue
Natalie Portman licking my fur
lick lick lick

now that is a furball i would gladly digest

NOTE: This guide supersedes ESR's hopeless "Sex Tips for Geeks" which is, at best, utter fantasy based on experiences with a RealDoll and, at worst, will land you in prison for the rest of your sick, unnatural life.


More stories about Sex
Lolita's World: The disturbing tendencies of the modern man.
Solving Teen Pregnancy
Homosexuality - Is it the next evolutionary step for mankind ?
Open Letter to a Stripper
The Sinister Secret of our Schools
Don't look at me.
My husband wants to do my ass!
'English Style Lovers', with jsm
I'm a teenager, and I want it bad!
I have not had relations for months!
My neighbors are foreigners, and they don't fly a flag
Should we circumcize our boy?
Active recruiting
My wife hungers for dark meat, and my nephew is a Commie!
Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I
My husband wants me shorn!
My inlaws are not fertile!
Taboo: The Downfall of America
The Time is Right for Manual Sex
Help save a baby, and snowballs
The supposedly civilized Europeans. (A WARNING TO ALL AMERICANS)
It's all about the numbers
Caffeinated mints, and getting into the body you desire.
Why can't I get a second date?
The Heterosexual Geek's Guide to Feigning Homosexuality
I want a mistress!
Mommyism in the Workplace
Lesbian Parenting and the Myth of Gay Children
My roommate is gay! My roommate is a drunk.

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Review: Planet of the Apes
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Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I
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The Motherland

The sky was dark and the air was cold and blue as I watched for Diamond Dave and the group of alien governors. Of course, the weather had been mostly the same since the aliens arrived, for they couldn't survive here otherwise. They came and modified our weather to suit their own needs.

I guess it wasn't as though they hadn't been invited. NASA had decided to burn a message on a cd and sent it out on the Voyager Millenium Edition. Never underestimate the disastrous effects that can be produced by budget cuts. The message, which had originally been planned to be a welcoming in every known language and a collection of '70s mellow favorites, actually turned out to be four short sentences incompetently monotoned by Pat Summeral: "Come on by Earth. We have plenty. PLENTY. And more." Who could resist?

A whirlwind of leaves swirled past the bay windows. I decided to wait outside. I could do some work on the barn while I waited.

The barn was falling apart, but it would still provide a good nest for the cats. Cats had a very hard time of it since the arrival of the aliens. All wildlife did. The aliens built settlements everywhere, annhilating practically every spotted owl refuge and caribou park on the planet. The mass displacement of wildlife made it more difficult for the domesticated variety.

I continued arranging the park benches and tarp in the barn to provide some cover for the cats. I found an old sofa and decided to use the foam from the cushions to make a nice nest for them. I was busy tearing the foam into strips when I heard a rumbling. Thunder? Couldn't be. The pattern was different... like...

I was shocked as a heard of elephants stampeded into the barn. Cats scattered everywhere. Most of them scampered up a single slat of wood onto the second "floor" of the barn. But the elephants followed. They were Indian elephants too. Fucking foreigners. "Fucking Indians!"

The elephants frothed at the mouth. I had severely angered them. But I knew they wouldn't come near me, since I bore the mark of the aliens. I ran toward the elephants, first in circles, as they tried to avoid me. Eventually, one by one, they fled the barn, their trunks stiffened into the air, spewing foam.

"I hate Goddamn Indians."

I straightened the barn out while the cats hid in the corner upstairs. I heard the dieseling death-throws of Diamond Dave's car engine choking itself to a halt. Then the car doors. Three of them. Two alien governors had come with him.

I patted down some foam and rushed around front, into the yard.


"Hey, Dave."

The alien governors looked at me with their emotionless yellow eyes as they sipped blue cheese dressing. I nodded at them with a wrinkled nose, unable to hide my disdain.

"So, what do you guys want," I asked.

"I have a surprise for you, " Diamond Dave smiled.

I arched my brow, "oh?"

Diamond Dave turned to the blue aliens who stood stoicaly behind him. Still emotionless, the aliens stepped aside to reveal a stunning naked blonde woman.

Diamond Dave looked at me and smiled, "we combined your dna with hers. It's better than masturbation."

The naked blonde giggled and ran toward the barn. The fat in her bottom rippled with each step. I looked at Diamond Dave.

"Eva Habermann?!"

Diamond Dave smiled and nodded.

"Holy shit on a stick," I ran as fast as I could to catch up with her, "don't cry for me Argentina!"

The aliens guffawed, spewing blue cheese dressing all over Diamond Dave.

Fucking aliens. Just when you plan on killing them all, they give you such a gift.



I've just... (1.00 / 2) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Dec 22nd, 2001 at 02:44:15 AM PST
called you a taxi.

Kathryn Thurber, will you have my baby? (1.00 / 1) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Dec 22nd, 2001 at 11:33:13 AM PST
Go Panda!

Why Natalie Portman? (none / 0) (#3)
by Miles O Toole on Sat Dec 22nd, 2001 at 12:38:31 PM PST
Wouldn't Liv Tyler be a much better choice as an object of unrequited love?

- Miles O'Toole

12 Galaxies Guiltied to an Adequate Rocket Society

no (2.00 / 2) (#4)
by osm on Sat Dec 22nd, 2001 at 12:50:38 PM PST
liv tyler is the byproduct of a cheap crack whore and a walking corpse who used to be a rock star.

but hey, if you're into that sort of thing...

You, sir, are an abomination (1.00 / 1) (#5)
by Miles O Toole on Sat Dec 22nd, 2001 at 02:03:13 PM PST
Why should beautiful Liv suffer because of the mistakes of her parents? She should be judged on her own merits.

Liv Tyler is an elegant, charming, and fully-grown woman. Contrast Liv with that awful Natalie Portman, who has the appearance of a pre-pubescent child, with hardly any distinguishing sex characteristics. Who else but a pederast, obsessed with a child's fantasy world, would pine for poor, little Natalie?

- Miles O'Toole

12 Galaxies Guiltied to an Adequate Rocket Society

look, buddy (none / 0) (#8)
by osm on Sat Dec 22nd, 2001 at 06:34:05 PM PST
the more links you pull out of your stinking asshole, the better Natalie Portman looks to me.

Besides, the story had nothing to do with Natalie Portman. It was about Eva Habermann. And there is nothing about boys on my site. Sounds to me like you're projecting your own sick fantasies onto me. But don't feel bad, most of the readers here repulse me.

question? (none / 0) (#9)
by philipm on Sun Dec 23rd, 2001 at 04:23:42 AM PST
How can I post in this thread without violating the Adequacy no trolling policy?


Dear Sir, (none / 0) (#10)
by osm on Sun Dec 23rd, 2001 at 05:05:32 AM PST
Your post borders dangerously on violating our no trolling policy. I will let it go this time, but consider yourself warned.

Actually, (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by tkatchev on Sun Dec 23rd, 2001 at 05:32:13 AM PST
I think the fact of his very existence violates some sort of cosmic "no-trolling" law.

Peace and much love...

awww shucks (none / 0) (#12)
by philipm on Sun Dec 23rd, 2001 at 07:19:19 PM PST
Cool! I'm a violator!


But I wanna... (none / 0) (#13)
by Vanndroid on Mon Dec 24th, 2001 at 03:02:58 PM PST
May I be a troll too? :-(

Sex tip question (none / 0) (#14)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Dec 24th, 2001 at 04:21:04 PM PST
I recently acquired a book entitled Richard Stallman's Sex Tip For Geeks. I assumed the "Tip" of the title was a typo, and the pages within would contain many hints enabling those of the geek persuasion to meet, bag, and ditch women. Unfortunately, it's no typo: the reader must wade through 200 pages of turgid ramblings about legalizing marijuana, civil libertarianism, and free software, before finally getting to the sole sex tip referred to in the title, which is this:

1. Invent EMACS

2. Oceans of pussy!

I'm no expert, but it seems to me that that first step's a real doozy. I have a sinking feeling this book is never going to help me get laid. Did I just throw away $15.95?

Dear Anonymous (none / 0) (#15)
by osm on Mon Dec 24th, 2001 at 04:25:48 PM PST
Yes, your purchase was a complete waste of valuable capital. The most you can expect to get from Mr. Stalimann is a nasty rash that emits a foul odor and a necrotic foot.


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