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What is the most severe Favre-induced problem?
Dyslexia 16%
Heart Disease 33%
Premarital Sex 16%
Interracial Relationships 33%

Votes: 18

 Brett Favre Must Be Stopped

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Oct 01, 2001
With a celebrated and highly successful career as starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre has captured the hearts and minds of many National Football League fans. His charming witticisms and warm personality have even managed to win over many people who are not otherwise sports fans. He is an active member of his community, a spokesman for various charities, and at the ripe young "quarterback age" of 32, his best years may still lie ahead.

But beneath his warm smile and his all-American persona, there's something decidedly sinister about Brett Favre, and when you actually take the time to do some investigation, a reasonable person can come to only one conclusion: Brett Favre is a menace, and he must be stopped.


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Sure, Favre may appear to be harmless. He may appear to be the prototypical American role model during football games and his public relations appearances. But below the surface is an intricate, byzantine web of unsavory activity, and it is high time that this web is exposed. Toppling your idols and shattering your misconceptions is never an easy thing to do, but if we are to root out the wrongdoing in modern America, we have little choice but to stick out our chests and forge ahead.

One of the biggest problems that Favre is causing is massive confusion in our educational systems. Favre, whose last name is actually pronounced "FARVE", is making it extraordinarily difficult for grammar-school teachers to explain spelling rules. In fact, the general confusion that has resulted from this state of affairs is causing severe developmental problems in the current generation of students. According to the Dyslexia Research Institute, the incidence of dyslexia and attention deficit disorder (ADD) in children has skyrocketed by 80% since Favre took over the starting quarterback job in Green Bay, replacing an injured Don Majkowski.

If you think that this is silly, you need to look no further than the Green Bay educational system itself. The problem is evident nationwide, but nowhere does it manifest itself so obviously as the Green Bay metro area. Eloise Gardner, a fifth-grade teacher at Beaumont Elementary School in Green Bay, presented the following student essay at a recent meeting of the National Education Association. She claims that papers like this are disturbingly common, and that they are indicative of a nationwide trend of students unable to spell correctly due to Favre-induced confusion.

By Billy

Hello Mrs. Garnder, how are you. We had a fun Thaknsgiving. Granpda and Granmda showed up, they came all the way from Satna Fe, Arinoza. First we said a prayer abuot the Pigrlims and about how they ate the Idnians. Mommy then went to cavre the tukrey. Then she put it on the talbe with the mahsed pottaoes and grayv. Then we all sat down with our knifes and fokrs and ate.


Now, I know what you're thinking. "Some kids are just stupid," you're saying to yourself. This is true, but as I've mentioned, this is not a problem involving a mere handful of children. This is affecting a significant portion of this nation's elementary school students. I can guarantee you this: Children in Green Bay did not spell this atrociously when Bart Starr (pronunciation: "BART STARR") was hurling the pigskin for the Pack, that's for damn sure.

Let's move on, shall we?

One of the greatest health problems in this country today is heart disease. As a matter of fact, heart disease is the number one killer of Americans by far. The major contributor to the onset of heart disease in modern America is poor lifestyle choices; specifically, an unhealthy diet can nearly exponentially increase your chances of contracting health problems. The federal government and various health organizations have long warned Americans about the dangers of indulging in too much red meat, fried foods, and eggs.

But when it comes to dangerous foods, one food stands alone at the top: CHEESE. Cheese tastes good, but it is loaded with near-toxic levels of artery-clogging saturated fats. The disheartening news is that Americans are eating nearly triple the amount of cheese that they were eating 30 years ago, and the results are horrific. We are dropping dead like flies (very fat flies, that is.) The truth is that we are in the midst of a cheese-induced Holocaust, and there is no General Patton coming to rescue us.

So where does Brett Favre stand on all of this? Is he taking the lead and speaking out against the evils of cheese, using his fame and notoriety to try to save the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans every year? Of course not. Favre has consistently been one of the most pro-cheese quarterbacks in the National Football League; indeed, he is arguably the biggest professional athlete advocate that the cheese industry has ever known.

What kind of a message does it send when Favre steps out onto the gridiron on Sunday afternoon and effortlessly throws fifty-yard passes and rushes for touchdowns? It tells the children of this country that cheese makes you powerful and popular, and that you should eat as much of it as possible. It's no wonder that football fans all across this country order delivery pizzas loaded up with so much cheese that they need a goddamned forklift to move the thing from the front porch to the kitchen table. It's no wonder that these same fans are croaking at unheard-of levels. Favre is doing nothing to curb this kind of behavior; on the contrary, he is actively encouraging it. One can only speculate at the number of untold millions of dollars that the cheese industry has slipped to Favre in unmarked Manila envelopes.

But Favre's biggest transgression of all was his starring role in the popular film There's Something About Mary, wherein he had a torrid, out-of-wedlock, interracial relationship with Latino actress Cameron Diaz. Favre (who is married) should really know better. Millions of children look up to this man and idolize him; the least he could do is promote moral and acceptable lifestyles instead of the relativist dreck that permeates this entire film. Other professional sports figures have the good taste and decency to lead wholesome lives off of the field .. why can't Favre?

James Dobson's Focus On the Family reported that incidents of pre-maritual sex and interracial relationshipism skyrocketed following the release of Favre's movie. Where is the outrage? Where is the sense of moral fortitude that made this nation so great? Are we supposed to give him a "free pass" on this simply because he is a talented athlete? This is no different than when the chemistry teacher gives the captain of the basketball team an automatic A on his midterm exams just so that he can play in the "big game." Well, I've got news for you, America: Favre is playing in the big game, and he's blowing it big time.

Look, I know that Brett Favre means well. But the truth is that he is wrecking this country. We have enough challenges to face in the years ahead; we can ill-afford to fight a holding action against an onslaught of dyslexia, heart disease, and general impropriety. It is high time for Brett to resign; this done, American can begin the long process of post-Favre reconstruction. It will be an arduous task that will demand the best from each and every one of us, but I (an eternal optimist) believe it can be done.


thank you (5.00 / 1) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 11:51:32 AM PST
>>Look, I know that Brett Favre means well.

If only good intentions were enough. They say the road to hell is literally paved with good intentions. The American legal system doesn't take intentions into account when people commit a crime and I see no reason why we should either.

Once again, thank you for this excelent and informative article.

A Subtle Observation (5.00 / 3) (#6)
by Duke Machesne on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 12:22:32 PM PST
I couldn't help but notice that the pro-cheese poster that seventypercent kindly linked us to does far more than merely promote coronary-inducing overdoses of salty, chewy, cheesy goodness. Far more, and far more sinister, as I'll demonstrate.

Immediately to the left of Mr. Farve [spelling intentionally corrected in accordance with proper American ideals] I couldn't help but notice the gigantic, engorged phallus which has slyly been passed off as a merely pro-cheese fixture. The presence of this horridly inflamed cock tells me that these people are not merely in cahoots with the American Medical Association in their intentional perpetuation of heart disease for their own monetary gain (which, it could be argued, is used primarily to build psycho-sexual monuments to their wicked pagan gods). No, I believe Mr. Farve and his friends in the cheese industry are also in bed with the Masons, those wicked bastards who've erected obelisks (monuments representing the disembodied johnson of the Egyptian god Osiris, who, lest the Adequacy readership need be reminded, is a notoriously black god) not only all over God's great American countryside, but all over the world.

The Masons, I'll remind you, are notorious for their cocklust and have, since their ancient inception been involved in many documented cases of black magick boyloving rituals. In fact, one of the primary elements of their hysterical orgiastic initiations, it's long been known, is the masturbation at sword-point of the initiate, hooded in black and seated in a coffin, covered in occultic symbolism, semen, and goat's blood. And so, obviously, I was not completely surprised when a bit of digging revealed an intimate link between our cockloving, devil-worshipping friends the Masons and our artery-clogging friends in the world of cheese. One mason, a leader of the lodge's "Overture" conference on mind-control and induced submission, stated "we need to take a lesson about the joys of finding new cheese."

Also not surprising is the discovery of the inherent religious symbolism which cheese presents. Occultic organizations have long sought to steal away the truth from true religion, and now we see, in the ancient and revived Parable of the Cheese, that "With the Jesus in the cheese, our faith is renewed and the skeptics are silenced". Could it be that Mr. Farve is merely a pawn in the grander scheme of the Masons to storm the heavens before the Son of God anoints the proper time to wreak plagues upon their inflamed, boyloving anuses?

once you've remembered, you'll never forget

Minor correction (5.00 / 3) (#7)
by westgeof on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 12:38:06 PM PST
Note that while it does appear to be crafted out of cheese, the phallic symbol you are referring to is actually a depiction of the super bowl trophy. This further serves to tie them all in together, especially if you notice that Fa[rv]e's team is the Green Bay Packers. We must all do our part to put a stop to this, as it can only end with the defiling our our children before an alter of false gods before a full moon (which we all know has ties with cheese...)

As a child I wanted to know everything. Now I miss my ignorance.

2nd minor correction (none / 0) (#19)
by hauntedattics on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 12:58:34 PM PST
And please note that while our friend the chronicler of the Masons described in detail the main conspiracies, the Illuminati and the Carbonari, he neglected to include the less well-known but no less sinister offshoots, the Putanesci, the Alfredi, the Pesti and the more nautical Frutti di Mari...

The voice of reason (none / 0) (#20)
by Duke Machesne on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 01:29:16 PM PST
At this point I really must interject that we must be extremely sensitive to our own biases and must tread extremely carefully upon the ground which holds those conspiracy theories which we have yet to substantiate, lest we cast ourselves down the irreparable stream of reputation reserved for wackos, and lest our brains be the targets of satellited microwave radiation.

Granted, Packers is likely a term originally coined for a team meaning to represent both their supporters in the cheese-packing cartel as well as their friends in the Masonic fudge-packing rings. Also granted that the symbolic connection with the moon cannot be ignored. But until we have absolutely verifiable and, indeed, indisputable evidence (such as we have against Mr. Farve), we cannot begin to name names willy-nilly lest we begin to test our credibility.

once you've remembered, you'll never forget

Point well taken (5.00 / 1) (#24)
by hauntedattics on Wed Oct 3rd, 2001 at 10:51:44 AM PST
You are right - we must tread carefully. While the lady wearing the collander on her head on the T is probably harmless and very nice, I have no desire to be thought of in the same group.

Boston? (none / 0) (#25)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Oct 3rd, 2001 at 03:25:07 PM PST

Very astute... (5.00 / 1) (#27)
by hauntedattics on Thu Oct 4th, 2001 at 10:28:44 AM PST
Collander Lady periodically T's it between Lechmere and Brookline. And is, of course, made fun of by all and sundry, poor thing.

But the evil spreads... (3.00 / 1) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 12:41:06 PM PST
Then there's Elvis Grrbac. The last name looks like a cat walking across a keyboard! Is that how we should create names now? Just random strokes? Perhaps I'll change my last name to Flkek and pronounce it 'Bob'. Or even Oldhe and pronounce it 'Iwlndilaiengldiw'. YEAH! Chaos! Destruction! and LINUX!

Wow !?! (3.00 / 2) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Oct 3rd, 2001 at 08:53:34 AM PST
I would seriously watch what we all say, especially if we all intend to by hypocritical about our role models. As a person coming from Wisconsin, I can truly say, that the mocking of cheese, as a health hazard, is just as bad as buying Nike shoes, when it's publicly known that these shoes are made in sweat shops, in other parts of the world. Yet somehow, the company seems to make millions of dollars, off of their apparel each year, and many people suffer, as a result.

As far as the dyslexic thing, correct me if I'm wrong, but Favre isn't an English name, so why should we have to justify it with English grammar rules?

Let's get one thing strait. Brett Favre is not wrecking this country. He is no more a sinner, than any one of us. The promotion of cheese is not one that encourages heart disease, cholesterol, or poor lifestyles; it is simply a symbol that we Pack-Backers wear to show our support for our Cheese producing state's team. If it becomes so desperate, that we need to pick on honest role models such as Bret Favre, and then what is the world coming to?

Try looking at some other people who are ruining the world, such as the U.S. Government, which has helped kill over 800,000 people over foreign policy, in the last 10 years. Look around the evidence exists!

Respond back

Setting the record straight (5.00 / 2) (#23)
by seventypercent on Wed Oct 3rd, 2001 at 09:58:28 AM PST
I can truly say, that the mocking of cheese, as a health hazard, is just as bad as buying Nike shoes, when it's publicly known that these shoes are made in sweat shops, in other parts of the world.

I think you mean that the eating of cheese, as a health hazard, is just as bad as buying Nikes made in a sweatshop. You know you shouldn't do it, but you do it anyway. I'm not "mocking" cheese; I'm only stating the irrefutable facts. Cheese is a killer. It is killing incalculable numbers of Americans. Unless you can demonstrate that Americans are not eating triple the amount of cheese that they were 30 years ago, and unless you can demonstrate that cheese is not loaded up with life-threatening saturated fat, you don't have a leg to stand on.

As far as the dyslexic thing, correct me if I'm wrong, but Favre isn't an English name, so why should we have to justify it with English grammar rules?

It doesn't matter if it's an English name or not. It's a popular name that children are wearing on jerseys and jackets and all sorts of Packers promotional material. They see the name all the time; they are assaulted by it. There is no way for them to escape it. Make no mistake about it: when children see the name Favre and are told to pronounce it FARVE, they become dyslexic. The statistics in Green Bay alone are frightening enough. If Favre is not willing to change the spelling of his last name to Farve, then I think that he ought to retire immediately. If he is not willing to do so, I think legal action against the NFL and commisioner Paul Tagliabue would be appropriate.

Look, John Elway makes tons of money selling cars. There's no reason that Brett Favre couldn't do the same thing. Children don't idolize car salesmen. They don't wear jerseys with the names of car salesmen on their backs. They don't swap car salesmen trading cars. If Brett Favre removed himself from the limelight, he could make just as much money as he's making now, and in the process be helping out countless children and saving millions of lives.

The promotion of cheese is not one that encourages heart disease, cholesterol, or poor lifestyles; it is simply a symbol that we Pack-Backers wear to show our support for our Cheese producing state's team.

Hooey. The promotion of cheese is the promotion of death. Brett Favre is a Green and Yellow Angel of Death. Wisconsin is on an awfully short list of states that produce lethal substances. Your comrades in arms are countries like Colombia (cocaine), Afghanistan (opium), and Germany (Rammstein albums.) Saying that it's "just a symbol" does not absolve you of your responsiblity to the rest of the country (and indeed, to the rest of the world.) It's time to Wisconsin to own up to its sins and make reparations: either you cut the cheese, or you come clean and apologize for the millions of deaths that it has caused.

Red-blooded patriots do not use Linux.

don't piss and moan to us matey (none / 0) (#26)
by jsm on Thu Oct 4th, 2001 at 04:04:55 AM PST
Whatever the benefits or otherwise of mocking cheese, if you don't like Nike, there's somebody you oughta be talking to

... the worst tempered and least consistent of the editors
... now also Legal department and general counsel,

This has spread more widely than you may think. (5.00 / 2) (#9)
by em on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 04:33:38 PM PST
Traveling earlier this year, I was in the Atlanta area. There is a town named "Marietta". However, locals call it "Mairetta".

This is really dangerous if it can spread so far.
Associate Editor,

Oh my god! (none / 0) (#21)
by fluffy grue on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 04:33:39 PM PST
I thought that phenomenon was only limited to New Mexico, where the natives pronounce "Ruidoso" (a skiing resort town) as "Riodoso."

or (none / 0) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Oct 20th, 2001 at 12:35:03 PM PST
auburndale as orbindale!

what dem tinkin!

those damn irish (5.00 / 2) (#10)
by THC 1138 on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 06:09:01 PM PST
We can't forget about that girl from Bananarama and Shakespear's Sister "Siobhan", pronounced like Chevron minus the 'R'.
How does it feel? Well it feels f**king blind. - b. k.

Don't get me started... (none / 0) (#14)
by hauntedattics on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 09:23:12 AM PST
Ah jeez, if we get going on those dang Brits/Celts/whatever and all their tortured spellings and pronunciations, it'll take all year and eventually clog up the entire internet...

And don't even get me started on the French.

Cheese, Beer, and Bratwurst... (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by motherfuckin spork on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 06:55:00 PM PST
the 3 staples of Wisconsin... I have the mispleasure of working for a cheese-head, even worse that he attended Notre Dame (those darned fighting Irish), and his grandfather ran a speakeasy during prohibition... and I'm supposed to report to this guy???

I am not who you think I am.

Indeed (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by Hunter on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 08:00:57 AM PST
Mr. Farve is obviously a poor role model for today's children, no one could argue with that statement. This article exposes some rather serious character flaws that lead me to believe that the man should seek therapy of some sort.

What continues to baffle me is the way American children look up to these sports 'heroes'. Michael Jordan's return to the NBA is supposedly some grand event that everyone should pay attention to, it is supposed to lift us up out of the funk we've been in since September 11. I don't get it. Many of these people, obviously Brett Favre, can't even read! It is most definitely not due to any lack of educational opportunity as most of them have secondary degrees. No, these people are overwhelmingly ignorant beyond the confines of their sport.

What would it take to get American children to stop idolizing sports figures? They could instead turn to any of a number of public personalities. Writers, newsmen, politicians, religious leaders, any of these would far better role models than a group of whining overpaid genetic misfits who's only talent is their ability to endure extreme amounts of physical punishment in order to win one for the team.


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