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 The Hunt for God

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 11, 2002
This week we should all protest to the American Government to stop their fruitless attempt at tracking down Bin Laden and instead, focus on a far greater threat - God.

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It has been roughly two thousand years now, since the last sighting of God was made. Sure, we have been witness to a few scaremongers claiming that they see God everyday, but normal citizens can be rest assured that God is still missing.

But don't let a two thousand year lack of presence put you off your guard. Any moment now, God could return and wreck havoc upon our civilisation. In all fairness he must be extremely pissed off with us by now (excuse my welsh), he is likely to be planning his revenge even as you read this.

That is why it is imperative that we prepare ourselves for his return. A recent story on has disclosed information which proves that American technology is now at a point where it can defeat God in a straight battle. However there is no doubt that God will realise this and will instead resort to more sinister tactics such as releasing anthrax in New York or detonating a dirty bomb in Washington DC.

Yes, while President Bush fruitlessly tries to track down a bearded, yet harmless miscreant in Afghanistan, we are under threat of being attacked by a far greater foe who, lets not forget, has already destroyed humanity once and may do it again.

I propose that we force our governments to raise security ten fold. As God is most likely to attack from above, I would like to see a higher security presence at airports. I would also like to see metal detectors placed in church entrances and have all priests carrying radiation detectors. It is the only way, we have to give a little bit of our freedom in exchange for a safer tommorow.


arming the citizenry (5.00 / 1) (#1)
by Slubgob on Thu Jul 11th, 2002 at 12:15:24 PM PST
In the event of an invasion from the hordes of heaven, our citizens would be defenseless, relying on the meager and thinly spread American military. I propose that all Americans who are old enough to lift an AK-47 be armed with military grade weaponry.

This would be strongly enforced by the Executive Branch. Public stoning and embarrasment would result from non-compliance

The weapons will be shipped to all Bush-sanctioned churches and distributed by priests.

Free HMMV's w/ 50 cals for everyone! (5.00 / 1) (#3)
by KingAzzy on Thu Jul 11th, 2002 at 04:04:31 PM PST
Up to now I have been mistakenly targeting Arab-Americans as I drive around town in my stolen HMMV w/ a 50 cal heavy machine gun mounted on top. Now I know better. The angels will start attacking any day now, I can feel it. Well, let them! I'll blow those fucks out of the sky!! RAT-ATATATATATATATATATATATATAAAAA YEAAAHHHH MOTHERFUCKERS EAT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE NIGGA DIE!!! UHHHH!! I'M BUSSIN ON YOU NIGGAZ!!! WEST SIDE NIGGA WHAT!!DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT!!!!!

AK-47 (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jul 13th, 2002 at 07:18:20 PM PST
I don't think any patriotic American should ever touch a socialist machine gun like the AK-47. It did a lot of hurt to us in Vietnam.

Proven track record.... (none / 0) (#8)
by gordonjcp on Sat Jul 13th, 2002 at 09:14:41 PM PST
As you say, it did a lot of hurt to you in Vietnam. Proof enough of its reliability and devastating effects. For such a simple gun, almost crude in its construction, it's really, really good. Pretty much unbreakable, too.

A dildo for commies and terrorists (none / 0) (#9)
by KingAzzy on Mon Jul 15th, 2002 at 11:28:11 AM PST
The AK-47 can be universally found in communist countries and third world nations.

The CIVILIZED world on the other hand prefers much more accurate and well manufactured weapons.

An M-14 is a much finer and AMERICAN weapon than the commie AK-47.

No patriotic American would be caught dead brandishing a weapon so crude as an AK-47.

Yours is a fool's errand. (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by koanhead on Thu Jul 11th, 2002 at 12:19:02 PM PST
Shit simply happens. Everyone knows you cannot defend against Shit. Shit will climb over the ramparts of your most hardened defenses and land in your radiation-proof suburban foxhole. That is the lesson of every major religion since the original prophet of Mo'Hominidism began to preach the Shit to the Australia-Pitifulicans back in the bowels (ho-ho) of pre-history. Incidentally, both Bush's have entries in the canonical list of World Religions:

  • Bush I: Read my lips, no new Shit.
  • Bush II: Shit happenifies plenitudifully.

    God hates logic.

    BINLADEN HARMLESS? (none / 0) (#4)
    by phantam on Sat Jul 13th, 2002 at 02:11:43 AM PST
    Ok so now we're gonna defend our selves from god???? SINCE WHEN THE FUCK WAS GOD VENGEFUL?

    If you believe in god you should realize that Revenge is a human traite not even an ant on the ground has revenge, you kill an ant the others dont get pissed and track you down.

    In my personal belief the reason the human race as a whole is so behind technologically and theoretically is the "hunt for god" the entire "god is comming" idea, personnally i don't know for all i know god may or may not exist... It's that stupid theory of why work harder if sooner or later its all gonna end.

    Most wars today are faught because of religious arguments... now isnt it ironic that something so pure as religion is the reason for so much death and destruction... don't get me wrong pray and believe in god but it's time you put the human race as a whole ahead of the rest... we're here now and need to work to get ourselves ahead... Those who stand still will never take that first step in evolving themselves

    prayer (none / 0) (#6)
    by Slubgob on Sat Jul 13th, 2002 at 07:36:10 PM PST
    If you want to stop war, don't sit in your room whispering, shout your prayers over a megaphone while you are taking on the pentagon with a machete.


    whoops. (none / 0) (#7)
    by Slubgob on Sat Jul 13th, 2002 at 07:39:22 PM PST
    Er, sorry. Delete that. I posted before actually reading your comment. I guess im trigger happy.

    You shall be judged! (none / 0) (#10)
    by KingAzzy on Mon Jul 15th, 2002 at 11:30:23 AM PST
    Someone hasn't been paying attention to world history, obviously.

    Jeebus will come and judge us all soon, that I promise!

    Real official status of GOD (none / 0) (#11)
    by Fako on Wed Jul 31st, 2002 at 09:55:10 PM PST
    According to official doccuments
    <i>GOD-aka "Jack"
    age unknown
    legal status: missing in action</i>
    enough said


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