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Best counter-conversion measure?
Fire 2%
Brimstone 4%
Hypoallergenic holy water 16%
That routine from "The Exorcist" 10%
The Rack 20%
Xtreme Unction 4%
Regrettably, we can not bring back the misguided - crucifixion is the only way 42%

Votes: 49

 World Youth Day: An Alarming Report

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 27, 2002
In the small town of Toronto, tucked away deep in the snow-clad Canadian North, something wonderful has happened. Thousands of pure young hearts have braved the extreme cold and dangerous beaver packs to attend an international gathering of Catholic love -- World Youth Day.

They came here from near and from far, young and old, upper lower class to lower middle class. They came here to meet their friends from all across the world, occasionally, even non-Caucasians! They came here to bask in the warmth of organized religion, standing together to oppose such worldly sins as masturbation and playing sports with "shirts and skins." Above all, they came here to have fun.

Naturally, it is rather shocking to find a pernicious voice of dissent in the midst of the celebration. A brief but malevolent letter in the local paper decried equating "Catholic" with "World Youth." Understandably baffled by such an odd missive, this reporter embarked on a personal investigation -- one that led to a most troubling discovery:

Not all the world's youth are Catholic.


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When the Toronto North Star -- Toronto's only newspaper -- adamantly refused to provide me with the coordinates of the hooligan who penned the offensive letter, I quickly realized that the only way to satisfy my curiosity involved infiltrating the Torontonian population. Donning a parka and mocassins, I quickly blended in with the local colour.

I received little assistance in the Toronto Harbour, which opens on a majestic view of the Atlantic ocean. Most of the residents were busy ice fishing with sharp harpoons or clubbing seals to sustain Toronto's struggling seafood industry. Venturing into the "downtown" area instead, I located a group of seemingly innocuous youngsters loitering about on the street. Casually approaching them, I asked for directions to Monday's Papal Mass in my best version of the Canadian dialect (something of a cross between Scottish and Ebonics, but one has to add "eh" to the end of every sentence).

Very soon, I understood the earlier reluctance on behalf of the local media to provide information. The youths I spoke to had not made any plans to attend the Mass! Trying to conceal my shock beneath my large snow goggles, I managed but a few more questions before the awful truth became apparent. These youths were not Catholic at all. One claimed to be a member of a cult called "Judaism," long thought extinct; two more professed to be "Hindu" -- followers of a pagan religion already on its way to being outlawed in the more progressive states. It was then that I began to fear for my own safety, and retreated after making quick excuses.

With these renegades loose on the streets amid the jubilant World Youth Day proceedings, I did not know what to think. Were they terrorists, sent here from the Afghan caves by treacherous Al Quaeda to undermine our free Christian society? Were they madmen escaped from the local mental institution? Or was this all a sick, grotesque and tasteless practical joke? Alas, for as I soon discovered, the answer was infinitely more terrifying.

There, in full public view, stood a building adorned by a sign. It read "Toronto's 12th Buddhist Temple." Yet the passers-by showed no reaction at all to this abomination. No faithful Catholics shied away in disgust, no righteous souls ran forth to tear apart this altar of evil (judging from the number, not the only one here)! And down the street, likewise unmolested, I could faintly make out a building labeled "Synagogue." I soon found out that this entire charade was permitted and sometimes even encouraged by the Canadian state!

Back in the safety of my hotel room, I struggled to control myself. I assured myself that the atrocities were limited to a corrupt and backwards Canada, perhaps only to the shameful city of Toronto. As soon as possible, I made a secure call to a friend in Austin, Texas to report my incredible findings, to warn him of the danger, and to arrange a Navy rescue operation for myself and the thousands of Catholic youth unwittingly marching into Satan's belly. But imagine my surprise and disbelief when, after a brief reconaissance, he reported at least three heretical sites of worship in my own hometown!

My worst fears had been confirmed -- America too had fallen to a widespread conspiracy to poison the minds of our youth. I could not help but contemplate the massive failure of domestic intelligence that allowed the perpetrators to escape the attention of the federal government. Have we learned nothing from September 11th? What's worse, there seem to be absolutely no plans or funding for resistance, de-brainwashing, and counter-conversion efforts to put our society back on track.

Since many major newspapers and network channels continue to refuse to bring my story to the general public, either disbelieving, delusional, or no longer under Christian control, I am forced to act through alternative channels. I implore you to write to your Republican Congressman (unfortunately, we have no way of ensuring the Christian integrity of Democratic candidates and therefore cannot trust them), contact other government officials deemed reliable, or even begin your own counter-conversion initiative within your community.


Incredible! (1.00 / 1) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jul 28th, 2002 at 03:08:32 AM PST
You mean you really made a secure phone call from Toronto to Austin? No need to bring a flash light or drum over there?

The Media's Reluctance (3.00 / 2) (#5)
by John Wainright on Sun Jul 28th, 2002 at 03:10:18 AM PST
I understand the media in Canadia having a reluctance to present your story.

1. Your story is too long for the archaic printing process still in use. A woodcut of your story would take weeks and there is little hope that enough interest would be generated to make the effort profitable.
2. The networks there are poorly staffed and equipped as well. Considering that they only operate during the day and when the wind is favorable, the hesitation might be that a Hockey game might be interrupted.

I understand your concern, keep the faith.

As a card-carrying Canadian... (none / 0) (#39)
by cgruber on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 08:40:50 PM PST
I have to suggest that the situation is even worse than you mention. I live in a farming commuinty of Markham, just north of Toronto, and our newsletter is hand-scribed by a dedicated crew who just won't let go of their ancient ways.

It's just so backwards here, I just can't stand it. Thank god I have the interweb, eh? Otherwise I'd never have a chance at a formal education.

Our besotted nation is so backwards, that in my original town of KitchenWater, a little towards Detroit from Toronto, they still celebrate Octoberfest! As if any civilized nation would ever let Germans gather and associate in numbers. My God!

All my love and props to homeys in the US of A. Y'all be gettin' up innat future love paradise sheeeyt.

Praise Allah, amen.

Really should we let the idiot live? (4.00 / 1) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jul 28th, 2002 at 01:14:44 PM PST
God more of this bull shit. Not everyone like your religion not everyone is the same religion and I am more worryed about a gaint bible crushing me then some pagan weirdo. Not to mention buddist are more scared of you and would rather set them selfs on fire then to see people go at war which is ironic since it just adds to the death toll.
What right do you have to force your beliefs on others? I don't see fucken pagan missoners tho I got every extreme christan fuck knocking on my door asking me "have you accepted jesus yet?" Really some people don't like their realtivly peaceful lives disturbed and fuck the person who said no man is a island I'll live on the beach so there's only assholes on three sides and if they come the other way I'll hear the splash.

Careful! (0.00 / 1) (#15)
by tkatchev on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 10:16:12 AM PST
Don't cut yourself with that biting sarcasm.

Peace and much love...

Xtreme Christianing!!! On Espn2 (none / 0) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jul 31st, 2002 at 08:06:15 PM PST
I can only imagine it would involve speed-conversions, and downhill catechisms, or something of that nature.

Re: Really, should we let the idiot live? (none / 0) (#29)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Aug 5th, 2002 at 08:37:00 PM PST
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You intolerant fool. Is there no one alive who can detect a complete lack of sarcasm? Why did you treat that obviously serious article as a joke?

above comments (4.00 / 1) (#7)
by tekno23 on Sun Jul 28th, 2002 at 06:52:16 PM PST
are a fine example of your peaceful heathen boodhism.

not buddist (none / 0) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 05:17:31 AM PST
I have no religion tho I am not atheist so I have no lack of religion... confused?

What is even funnier ... (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 06:12:43 AM PST
OK I live in Canada and i could go through and point out every little mistake in this article (such as the fact that Toronto is nowhere near the Atlantic Ocean, it is summer and 30 degrees Celcius, no moccosins are needed etc) however I am going to rise above the AR above and instead of swearing laugh. What is even funnier than is the people who completely misunderstand it.

Word (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 07:33:10 AM PST

Faster! For Canada! (3.00 / 2) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 07:10:52 AM PST
More worrying than that is the FACT that Canada does not have enough gun-deaths per capita to warrant inclusion in the NAFTA. The USA will not allow Canada to enter the NAFTA unless US-equivalent firearm-related homicide statistics are reached. This can only possibly burden honest Canadian businesses like Molson and Ford.

Personally, I believe it is each Canadian's duty to write to their Congressman (or French equivalent) and demand that gun-friendly legislation be introduced, e.g. that all restrictions on lethal weapons be removed, Guns for Kids! preschool initiatives, all convicted criminals to recieved complementary state gun upon re-release into society, etc., etc.

Face it, Canadians -- if your society can't rustle up at least 300,000 gun-deaths by 2003, then you stand accused of having beady eyes, flip-top square heads, saying "aboot" when you mean "about", and relying on toilet humour for comedy (unlike the biting poop-free satire of "South Park"). -- because it isn't

Faster indeed! (none / 0) (#30)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Aug 5th, 2002 at 09:13:25 PM PST
This is why all truly patriotic Canadians must begin either dealing semi-legal arms to their compatriots or rising above that wussy stereotypical pacifist Hell's Angel or sofisticated Prospector that has been drilled into us by those eternal underdogs the Americans, who are feebly attempting to persuade us away from our natural hegemonial tendencies. We need to break the mold, rise above these stereotypes, get oot and aboot in the boot, and start shooting assault weapons into crowds! If not for our own pleasure, than for the sake of the economy, which, having consistantly out-performed the American economy and lacking the over-valued currency that has kept the US economy in a trade deficit, desperately needs to join Mexico and the US in the Not Accountable to Free Trade Agreements club.

haha - perfect way to piss off canadians (5.00 / 1) (#14)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 09:36:20 AM PST
I love the way you portray Canadian cities, that shit pisses them off so much when you talk dirt about Toronto or Montreal.

I had to go to Toronto for the first time for a conference, expecting it to be the exact city you described. Not thinking I would really need to impress any of the locals in their dock-worker flannels and golashes, I decided to pack some of my more crappy clothes (target shirt, sanoma kakhis - whatever). I ended up finding they were more hooked on 'american culture' than us americans are - boy did we fool them. Every single person there had their $300 diesel outfit, $800 gucci shaded sun-glasses that all the cool people wear now a'days (I call them miami glasses).

Speaking of Miami Glasses, how lame are these people going to feel when they're equivalent to the Oakley craze from the late 80's - early 90's. Fads like that make me laugh - you know in 2013 people will see a picture of themselves with Miami Glasses on and they'll want to run and cry -

hahahah. Seriously, you people look absolutely goofy in those glasses. I'm just giving you the heads up from experience, I was about 13 - 14 when I got duped into buying $100 oakleys, and I still feel like a shithead - buying them AND wearing them.

I'm coming from Chicago (where everyone is an irish cop and likes to eat beef sandwiches), so my sense of what's stylish probabaly isn't as up to speed with somebody from New York (where everyone is either a fashion model, waiter, starving artist, or all three) or Los Angeles (where everyone is either an actor, a hippie communist, or queer). These are just my opinions.


Yep (none / 0) (#16)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 11:45:44 AM PST
Canadia, Americia, it's all the same once you actually get down to it, eh? EH??

Toronto's on its way to becoming the Canadian equivalent of NYC -- big, crowded, and not really a nice place to live anymore.

So how's Chicago doing, with its 3-hour traffic bouts every day, and those drunk Ukranians?

Chicago (none / 0) (#25)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jul 31st, 2002 at 08:35:54 AM PST
The drunk ukranians and poles never really bothered anyone directly, I think they've got their own mob thing going on behind the scenes. Most of them are non-union laborors - construction, renovation, etc. This keeps the rent cheap for tenants while still keeping the scumlords fat and fed properly (troughs of slop, barrels of pasta, whatever they can stuff their gluttonous faces with).

The traffic here DOES suck, especially if you commute to or from the suburbs. The thing that makes me laugh is that traffic in the morning is worse heading out of the city, and in the evening it's worse coming in. What kind of backwards ass crap is that?

The reason this doesn't affect me is because I use the cities wonderful public transportation infrastructure. The subway (el) is a life saver. I don't even have a car, I got rid of it so I could use the money for more drugs and strippers.

trixies (none / 0) (#26)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jul 31st, 2002 at 08:39:35 AM PST
oooooohhh - I forgot about trixies. These are the women of Lincoln Park - usually middle class trying to project the image of being upper. Check the site out, you probabaly have your own version of them in your city, but for some reason Chicago is plagued.

Toronto == Jew York (none / 0) (#36)
by johnny ambiguous on Mon Aug 12th, 2002 at 09:38:27 AM PST
...One claimed to be a member of a cult called "Judaism," long thought extinct...And down the street, likewise unmolested, I could faintly make out a building labeled "Synagogue." I soon found out that this entire charade was permitted and sometimes even encouraged by the Canadian state!

...Toronto's on its way to becoming the Canadian equivalent of NYC...

The late Dr. William Pierce thought so too. That's why the uprisen Aryans of Neue Frei Amerika found it necessary to nuke the place.

Someday I'm going to have to get around to writing an essay comparing the quite similarly toned works of Dr. Pierce and Ronald Reagan's favorite author Tom Clancy. Not to mention, for comic relief, Norman Spinrad's The Iron Dream. Specifically the exponential ramp-up in violence, preceding the post-orgasmic/post-genocidal bliss and afterglow. There aren't too many things one can say in favor of being drafted and forced to participate in ground combat, but at least no one who ever experienced that either writes or admires literary works like Pierce's or Clancy's.

Yours WDK -

Getting into my Chevrolet Magic Fire, I drove slowly back to the office. - L. Rosen

Toronto sucks (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 29th, 2002 at 01:58:59 PM PST
I'd rather live in Sudbury than Toronto, for fucks sake. 14 lane highways, wot?

To piss us off, I recommend talking about how ugly the girls are in Montreal compared to Chicago or whatever chiq place you're from.

montreal, quebec (none / 0) (#32)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Aug 7th, 2002 at 06:35:21 AM PST
true that, brother. there's no easier way to piss off a quebecois than to mention how their province is full of hideous horse-faced gorgons. or, as an added bonus, you could mention how their language is just a muddled perversion of real french and they should just give it up, already. then you'll make lots of friends.

now you must escape from Texas (1.00 / 1) (#27)
by Get Your Gun on Wed Jul 31st, 2002 at 07:14:38 PM PST
seeing as that is a Baptist state that doesn't believe the same way as you and your cult of Mary

Statistics... (none / 0) (#31)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Aug 6th, 2002 at 12:01:08 AM PST
Who, other than me, knows that only 40% of Canada's population Christian? Only 30% of the worlds population is Christian you moron; I'm happy to say that I am NOT one of the people in that group. I hate fundamentalists, especially ones like you.

What's going on here? (none / 0) (#33)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 8th, 2002 at 05:47:38 AM PST
Are there really people here who think that the writer was serious when he wrote this:

"These youths were not Catholic at all. One claimed to be a member of a cult called "Judaism," long thought extinct; two more professed to be "Hindu" -- followers of a pagan religion already on its way to being outlawed in the more progressive states. It was then that I began to fear for my own safety, and retreated after making quick excuses. "

The article was clearly a cynical way of ridiculing the idea of calling a Catholic event "World Youth Day".

What was the point of that article? (none / 0) (#34)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 8th, 2002 at 07:01:58 PM PST
I think I actually got stupider from reading it.
I just wish I could get back those few minutes of my life that I spent reading it. Maybe I could have done something more worthwhile. Perhaps looking at a wall for a few minutes. Or maybe I could have counted the blades of grass in my backyard. Yes, I actually have grass here up in Toronto. It's not all snow! (I realize you were being sarcastic, or stupid, or whatever you want to call it. But come on, get a life, really)

Dear Sir. (none / 0) (#35)
by Mudillo on Sun Aug 11th, 2002 at 09:32:48 PM PST
If a blade of grass did manage to push through the white snows of Toronto, it is but for the grace of the Pope's visit. Your minutes spent reading this were not in vain -- think instead of an eternity that may await you in Hell. Repent, my lamb, before it's too late.

um... ick? (5.00 / 1) (#37)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 15th, 2002 at 10:09:32 AM PST
am I the only one who recognized this as satire? please tell me I'm not the only one... the comments above kinda make me wonder...

Adequacy = Satire (none / 0) (#38)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 05:51:40 AM PST
It's quite funny actually...

Everybody here at adequacy always writes such satiric stories, but the real funny part is that they mean each and every word of it!

Specially the banner on top stating "Join the Citizen Corps" really makes me laugh at those American hypocrits...

Don't worry you are not alone (none / 0) (#40)
by unc0nnected on Tue Aug 27th, 2002 at 03:34:46 AM PST
I think there are 2-3 people that realise this is a satire, which probably means there are 2-3 people that actually know the meaning of the word satire, the rest of you need to spend a few minutes/hours at :)
I hope I am not the only one that has come to realise that this entire site is a satire.. and a pretty good one at that..


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