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 Have a Right Halloween!

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Oct 25, 2001
Halloween is right around the corner, and a lot of parents are wondering if they should let their kids celebrate it. You certainly can; those that are against it are generally misinformed and heretical. To top it off, here's a list of Rightmann approved costumes!

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Adam Rightmann

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It's fall. Leaves are turning color and dropping, days are getting shorter, there's a crispness in the air (at least in the best hemisphere) and Halloween is just around the corner. Yes, Halloween, often represented as a paradox to Christians. While many of the heretical Christian sects portray Halloween as unmitigated evil, and spend the day in prayer, it's not. I think it's better to go out and confront evil, and perhaps spread your faith a little. Accordingly, the following Halloween costumes are Rightmann approved. I will warn you, at the end the get a little mature, as I know how teenagers are; they want to be a little shocking.

For the younger ones.

  • Angels, cherubs and cupids: What's wrong with old standby of angels and cherubs. Just be sure that you don't give the cupids the broadheads ( I won't make that mistake again).
  • Bingo granny: Dress them up like granny supporting her parish, a few bingo cards, a marker, and you're all set.
  • Monk: The saviour of western civilization. An old dark robe and illustrated page are all you need.
  • Samson: If it's warm enough, wear a loincloth, a long haired wig, and make a paper-mache jawbone of an ass.
For the older set
  • Misled Christian: Have your older one dress up as one of those heretical Christians, spending eternity in Hell. Buy a few King James Bibles and Good News and tie them together, making a snare of falsehoods. A few cardboard flames and you're good to go.
  • Apostastic Pope: Get the white robes, the mitre hat and cardboard flames. Best when done in a group with the Misled Christian, and a token Jew and Mohammedan.
  • Aborted baby: Wear a flesh colored body suit, and draw in Frankenstein sutures connecting your arms and legs, symbolizing your body being mulitated to be extracted from your mother. Use copious amounts of blood. Cardboard flames too, since you're in Hell because you were never baptised.
  • Sodomite: Have a small wooden stake protruding from your chest, covered in blood and gore. Have another, larger wooden stake protruding from your nether regions, showing people what reward lies in wait for those who practice this perversion.
  • Martin Luther: Dress in a Renfest robe, with a whinging screed nailed into your chest and blood seeping around it. Don't forget the cardboad flames.
  • Birth Control User: Purchase condoms and IUD's and make a cruel, painful noose with them. Take many baby dolls and hang them off you, showing the children that would never be born becuase you were selfish. Cardboard flames, too.


animal abuse (none / 0) (#13)
by philipm on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 08:59:31 AM PST
The only proper way to celebrate halloween is animal abuse. In particular, skinning of black cats is a new england tradition.

History is , of-course, on my side. If you remember back to the Salem witch trials, that's when it all got started. The witches were the PETA of the day - that's why they always had black cats. Unfortunately for them, there was a thriving asian population, at the time, that loved to eat cats. Therefore something had to be done to get rif of the PETA witches. After the burning was succesfully completed, it was once again safe to eat cats.

So celebrate halloween the proper way! Skin a black cat!


and as for abusing black cats (none / 0) (#15)
by psych wanderer on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 11:55:51 AM PST
you might also want to read this one to disabuse you of the notion.
psych wanderer
"The thing I miss the most is my mind"

Oh jeez (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 03:03:09 PM PST
Will you militant lesbians never give up? Your protestations that your so-called "religion" is peaceful is as bad as all those Damned Muslims.

i suppose you think violence is only for men? (5.00 / 1) (#18)
by philipm on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 03:24:41 PM PST
First of all, I would just like to say that just because I wear a turban and pray to mecca does not make me a muslim. And just because I like shooting things and I stand up for the rights of opressed wymen everywhere does not make me a militant lesbian.

What does make a me a militant lesbian is my disregard for your stupid male idiotic language and my willingness to lick pussy! That's right I said pussy! And I'm going to say pussy again! Your kind of violence is not appreciated here. Take your shockingly attractive good looks elsewhere, you opressor!


Jesus Rightman (none / 0) (#14)
by psych wanderer on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 11:44:44 AM PST
I never know whether you are taking the piss or not but this last one made me laugh :) Halloween is about confronting your fears yes - but was only made evil by the christians- jeez will you take a history course please??
psych wanderer
"The thing I miss the most is my mind"

A better link, perhaps? (none / 0) (#16)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 12:01:31 PM PST
Yours said nothing about Christian's making Halloween evil, though it did mention the Catholic Church co-opting the date for Martinmas.

A. Rightmann

well it was a pointer (none / 0) (#30)
by psych wanderer on Sun Oct 28th, 2001 at 07:17:43 PM PST
for you to start exploring- as adults i assume (or are you?) that we carry out self-directed learning- so if you don't then I will find you some pages to go to :) how about good old encarta to start with?
psych wanderer
"The thing I miss the most is my mind"

you might (none / 0) (#31)
by psych wanderer on Sun Oct 28th, 2001 at 07:38:22 PM PST
want to try this one as well :)
psych wanderer
"The thing I miss the most is my mind"

Mr. Rightman... (none / 0) (#19)
by Mint Waltman on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 03:36:25 PM PST
... I must say that for the most part you are a man after my own heart. Most of your costumes have similar themes to the haunted house I help my church run this time of year. Others interested in displaying the horrors of homosexuality, abortion, suicide, alcohol and satanism may order their own Hell House kit here. These haunted houses are sure-fire hits no matter where you may set them up. The media never fails to give ample coverage of the good work you're doing, and pesky opposition groups like GLAAD will be too busy futily railing against God's Word to indoctrinate little Billy and Johnny into their evil lifestyle, the lawfirm Satan, Lucifer and Judas (aka the ACLU) will be distracted from their persecution of Christians and maybe, just maybe, Planned Parenthood will have to take a break from killing babies ony to be confronted with the horrors they have perpetrated upon God's Earth at your very own Hell House.

Who could possibly find cute kids dressed as angels, Bingo Grannies or Samson offensive? Certainly not me. And the idea of letting the older children portray the horrors of abortion, the sodomite lifestyle or the very timely Mohammedan in Hell are the result of God's own inspiration to be sure.

This praise for your column aside, I must make a few objections. The birth control user costume is highly offensive to my Christian sensibilities as it implies that one should be engaging in sexual relations to begin with. Perhaps if you, and the other Catholics in the world, learned to curb your base, impulsive desire for recreational intercourse we would not have so many immigrants from south of the border taking our jobs- or maybe we'd find more Anglos in the Irish and Italian dominated police forces and fire departments. Pope in Hell? You're right on with this one, though I think your 'misled Christians' should be wearing rosary beads or toting orthodox icons, not King James Bibles. Further, Martin Luther should be portrayed as ascending into Heaven, not burning in Hell.

Mr. Rightmann, you are a good person, though not a good Christian. Do not worry as I would not let this prevent me from allowing my children (if I were married and permitted to have relations) to trick-or-treat with yours, or even have slumber parties. I would encourage my children to have arms-lenth friendships with non-Christian children. Of course, the sleepovers would have to take place on Friday night as I'm afraid were it to occur on a Saturday night you may find yourself tempted Sunday morn to take my child to a House of Apostocy rather than send him or her home to attend the True Church with myself and my family.

Dear Mr. Waltman (5.00 / 1) (#25)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Oct 26th, 2001 at 07:44:39 AM PST
I thank you for the links to the Haunted House, it is nice to see members of your heretical branch of the Church reaching out on Halloween instead of cowering on thier knees. Perhaps your haunted house will make a few sinners sek Christ.

I don't understand your issue with birth control. Surely, if abortion is killing babies, is not most methods of birth control (aside from NFP, using temperature and mucosal qualities, though my little lady feels her ardor the most when she is the most fertile, which leads us into strong temptation)? Sex is for married people, the magical glue that helps a marriage work, and many children are the usual result of a happy marriage (statistically, the more children you and your spouse have, the happier your marriage). Thus, birth control, in addition to killing concieved children, lowers the chance for happiness in a marriage, something you divorce-permitting 2.3 children per couple Protestants should learn.

And I do believe I've already stated my views on premarital sex, if it leads to a baby and you get married in the Church, it's but a minor peccadillo.

Anyhow, when I say the Rosary next, I'll throw a Hail Mary or two towards you.

A. Rightmann

Three Cheers (5.00 / 2) (#20)
by ttm on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 05:31:40 PM PST
That was great.

I personally don't get any trick or treaters coming to my house anymore. Plenty of kids in the neighborhood etc. but they don't come to my house.

Take last year for instance, I was sitting on a chair in the driveway for hours. Big bucket of candy to give away, wel lit, etc.

The kids would stop at my next door neighbors house, pass mine and go to the next. Group afet group they all did the same. So around ten oclock, all depressed, I put my pants back on and went inside.

I just don't get why they won't stop at my house.


Take all things in moderation, Including moderation.

And for adults: (none / 0) (#21)
by spacejack on Thu Oct 25th, 2001 at 08:03:47 PM PST
  • anti-abortion fanatic - bring a bible and a bomb
  • suicide-bomber - wear the bomb
  • or just dress up in a papier-mache 767
  • bondage gear - nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
That's just off the top of my head, but the possibilities are endless.

Finally, for the truly enlightened, how about not dressing up in anything so dogmatically hateful as the things described above or in Adam's article, and just try to enjoy yourself.

When push comes to shovin,
I'd rather make some lovin.

Catholicism in a Nutshell (5.00 / 2) (#23)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Oct 26th, 2001 at 01:08:05 AM PST
Hey, boy and girl! We have mass! Genuflect! Stand! Sit! Kneel! Sit! We talk Latin! Agnus Dei, qui tollis gloria mundi, dona nobis pacem! Latin a magic holy language! Sit! Kneel! Stand! Now eat magic wafer! It the flesh of Jesus! You drink magic wine! It the blood of Jesus! Sit! Now say "Peace be with you!"! Shake! Roll over! Now Priest put hand down little boy pants! No tell Mommy and Daddy! It secret magic holy ritual! Now look at relic of saint! It has magic powers! Pope can fly like Superman! Third Secret of Fatima predicted World Trade Center attack! Pius XXII had damn good reason to give Jews to Hitler! Virgin Mary is a magic super power goddess!

Fuck it, this is too easy. I have got to lay off the Nyquill...

Meanwhile... (1.00 / 1) (#26)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Oct 27th, 2001 at 07:13:27 AM PST
... catholics have fatima and medjugorje, and fundamentalists have nothing.

(for that matter, neither do any other religions i know of, apart from maybe hinduism's sai baba)

-AR (still waiting for a fundy to debunk fatima... not to say that they're big fans of science)

You're truly a blind person. (5.00 / 1) (#27)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Oct 27th, 2001 at 09:30:53 AM PST
To ignore the truth


Hi Craig... (1.00 / 1) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Oct 27th, 2001 at 10:30:09 PM PST
... you have about as much credibility as Jack Chick, who you constantly refer to. Second, your 'proof' is just unfounded speculation. Try again.

Good to know. (5.00 / 1) (#29)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Oct 28th, 2001 at 07:21:51 AM PST
Good to know that you're so brainwashed into stupidity that when confronted with truth you run and stick your head in the sand rather than confront it and admit you're a dumbfuck. You don't even try to refute the evidence that obviously disproves your warped worldview, you just cover your eyes, plug your ears, and say "LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

Maybe being repeated being raped by Catholic priests (43% of whom are shown to be paedophiles by psychological tests) has killed all your rational thinking skillz.

Good to know (1.00 / 1) (#32)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Oct 29th, 2001 at 08:47:09 AM PST
>Good to know that you're so brainwashed into stupidity that when confronted with truth

Hello genius! There is no 'truth'. Craig McPherson's 'opinion' != truth. Learn the difference.

> you run and stick your head in the sand rather than confront it and admit you're a dumbfuck. You don't even try to refute the evidence that obviously disproves your warped worldview,

Because I pay no attention to Craig's moronic 'logic', that makes me a dumbfuck with a 'warped worldview'? Um, genius, fundamentalists have a 'warped worldview'. If you don't agree try reading and tell me any of that baloney _doesn't_ reflect a 'warped worldview'.

> you just cover your eyes, plug your ears, and say "LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

Learn the difference between a 'fact' and an 'opinion' genius.

>Maybe being repeated being raped by Catholic priests

Proof please? Oh, sorry, not coming, is it?

>(43% of whom are shown to be paedophiles by psychological tests) has killed all your rational thinking skillz.

Of course, you're dumb enough to believe fundy propaganda crap like that. Proof please? Oh, it's not coming either is it?

Quite typical Liberal propoganda. (5.00 / 1) (#33)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Oct 29th, 2001 at 12:51:46 PM PST
When you can't refute the person's arguments, you resort to attacking the person.

It's very sad.

But typical.

I didn't attack anything. (none / 0) (#34)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Oct 30th, 2001 at 12:45:58 AM PST
>When you can't refute the person's arguments

What ridiculous haughty tripe. You had no 'arguments'. I merely asked for proof of your ridiculous claims, and you interpret them as ad hominem attacks so you have an excuse (no matter how contrived) to get on your high horse and claim that i'm attacking _you_ (and hence that you have the moral high ground), ignoring of course your abusive manner towards me, which is undeniably hypocritical.

Burden of proof. (5.00 / 1) (#35)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Oct 30th, 2001 at 05:05:28 AM PST
You claim that the ghost of Mary (who you falsely believe is still a virgin, in contradiction to Scripture) appears in visions to loony people in obscure corners of the planet and these people post her "holy wisdom" on their website.


The burden of proof is on you. If you're going to assert something so patently ridiculous, you have to support it -- but you can't.

By YOUR logic, I can say "The Holy Virgin Mary appears in my bed every night and I bang the living daylights out of her tight little Jewish ass," and you HAVE to believe it, because you can't prove otherwise.

So, which is it? Either they're both true, or they're both false, unless you can provide ANY tangible evidence that one is true and the other isn't, which you can't. No Catholic has ever been able to prove ANY evidence of these so called "virgin visions."

Man, your pagan goddess sure is good in bed. uNF. uNF. uNF.


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