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 My wife hungers for dark meat, and my nephew is a Commie!

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Nov 21, 2001
This week, Adam helps out a husband who's wife wants dark meat, and defuses a stressful situation at the Thanksgiving table.

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Dear Adam,

Thanksgiving is almost here, and I'm dreading it. I'm mostly dreading the immature rants by my young nephew, the Phish T-shirt, dreadlock wearing wanna-be radical. In the past he's attempted to ruin the meal by commenting on animal rights and gobbling like a turkey, ranting about the genocide of the Indians and calling our family hypocrites. Now, with the war on terrorism, I'm sure he'll have even more leftist, secular humanist propaganda to spew. It just eats me up inside, what do I do?

Stuffed up to here with his nonsense

Dear Stuffed,

Well, we were all young once. When Adam was young, liberation theology was in vogue, and many of Adam's peers wanted to become priests so that they could run down to Latin America and overthrow the oppressive capitalist warlords of El Salvador and Guatemala. Funny, we don't hear much about that any more.

Anyhow, may I suggest that you say the following Thanksgiving blessing, which should take the wind out of that spoiled young blowhard's sails:

Dear Lord, thank you for the wonderful bounty. The succulent turkey, who led a life of ease before being sacrificed for a our bodies. The Native Indians, who now drive pickups and live in warm trailers with satellite TV and a cold beer, instead of dark, smoky, flea infested longhouses and teepees and gardia infested water. And don't forget our fighting men in Asia, risking it all so that we may continue to enjoy our freedoms and standards of living, risking it all so that any ignorant brat who's read Marighella and Guevera and Mao can spew verbal diarrhea while leaching off their long suffering parents without having to work an honest day in their overpriviliged life. Amen.

As an aside, one small branch of Adam's family tree does come from the Iroquois nation, and I for one prefer my modest four square in the city over a long house any day of the week.

Dear Adam,

One night, after completing our marital duties, my wife asked me about fantasies. Mine was a fairly prosaic re-enactment of Noah, but she said she wanted to try dark meat. She said she's only had white meat her entire life, and was curious about what the ladies at the auxiliary had told her about dark meat. She just wants to try it once, should I let her?

Mr. White Meat

Dear Mr. Meat,

Forgive me for not answering your letter when I got it a few months ago, I thought it was more appropriate to wait until now. Thursday is Thanksgiving in our most blessed country, so surprise your wife by piling high her plate with dark meat. Tell her not to be so silly, if she wanted to try dark meat, she shouldn't have waited so long, she can have it anytime.

Have a Blessed Thanksgiving everyone.


Typically American. (5.00 / 1) (#1)
by tkatchev on Wed Nov 21st, 2001 at 08:29:46 AM PST
Americans have a unique culture that manages to be incredibly hypocritical and uptight and incredibly perverse and unsettled at the same time when it comes to sexual relations.

I understand there are historical reasons for it, but nonetheless, it is very strange that a so-called "developed" country can remain so backward.

Peace and much love...

Typically Russian. (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by noah Oneye on Thu Nov 22nd, 2001 at 10:22:19 AM PST
While we don't all come from a country as progressive and historically flawless as Russia, you don't need to keep rubbing it our faces.

All governments suck, rich ones just suck harder. Expatriotism is the way forward...

"...and in your free time you can make me sandwiches..."

Governments are like operating systems. (none / 0) (#12)
by dmg on Thu Nov 22nd, 2001 at 05:58:20 PM PST
They all suck. This man has some interesting views on the subject.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

You know... (none / 0) (#15)
by jin wicked on Fri Nov 23rd, 2001 at 07:42:24 PM PST
I am starting to like you.

"Ars longa, vita brevis...Art is long, life is short."

Danger... (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by hauntedattics on Wed Nov 21st, 2001 at 10:36:34 AM PST
Mr. Rightmann, I appreciate your response to Mr. Meat about his wife's turkey preferences. In the interest of public health, however, you should have added that while Mr. Meat's wife is welcome to pile up her plate with dark meat, she should know that it is higher in fat content than white and will thus add more to her cholesterol intake. Not that she isn't free to eat what she wants, but just so she knows the consequences of doing so...

actually I think it's more important (none / 0) (#8)
by alprazolam on Thu Nov 22nd, 2001 at 10:20:41 AM PST
that he understands the consequences of 'piling up her plate with dark meat'. There will be a lot of cleaning up to do and she will probably be too worn out to do it if she overindulges.

Alert! Leftivist beam in thine own eye! (5.00 / 1) (#3)
by elenchos on Wed Nov 21st, 2001 at 02:59:33 PM PST
Why are loyal Americans so suspcious of Roman Catholocists?

"Liberation theology," (a.k.a. Marxist anti-American revolution) is at the very core of the Roman Church from the time of Guy Fawkes until today. At the very time when we most need the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation (WHISC) to battle terrorism though with the most modern methods of interrogation and psychological warfare, your wicked Jesuit agents are the fifth colum at work behind the scenes to stab Uncle Sam in the back by undermining the foundation upon which our hopes to defeat TERRORISM have been hung.

The Bush Administration understands better than anyone that the establishment of religion clause of the First Amendment was never meant to give carte blance to every weird, disloyal "religion" that twists the Word of God into something that no normal American would recognize. Catholocism is far and away the greatest benificiary of this misguided dalliance with "toleration" of "diversity", but the free ride on the Gravy Train is OVER, Rightmann!

Repent while you still can.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Elenchos, dear sir, you are mistaken (none / 0) (#13)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Nov 23rd, 2001 at 02:50:09 PM PST
The Roman Catholic Church is firmly opposed to the Communist menace, Pope John Paul lived under the Russian dictatorship for most of his life, he knows all too well what those Reds are capabale of, and how they plan to destry humanity.

But liberation theology is attractive, especially to Catholics who take the meaning of the Gospels to heart. Giving land to the common man, aking sure everyone has enogh to eat, it all sounds so good, no wonder people are drawn to it.

But, people are sinners, and can't be counted upon to live in a true communist world. It's an irony of our existence that a capitalist society, motivated by greed and other deadly sins, works so well to fulfill human wants.

Please stop slandering Jesuits and Guy Fawkes.

A. Rightmann

Give land to the common man... comrade? (none / 0) (#16)
by elenchos on Sat Nov 24th, 2001 at 12:04:31 AM PST
Your post is a classic example of the Catholicist doctrine of "equivocation", wherein you thievishly pick the pocket of Truth in pusuit of the elusive fox of piety, loosing your hounds in an effort to lock the barn door after the horse has already fled.

Guy Fawkes and his Jesuit Fellow Travelers were rebels against the English Crown. In perhaps the first act of TERRORISM on English soil, they blew up Parliment, soul of Democracy, in a wicket plot to incite a Communisic Revolution. No one denies this.

It is time for good Protestants everywhere to root out Catholics wherever they can find them. It is time for Catholics to drag the heretics back to the Mother Church by any means necessary. Anything less would be a perversion of the True Christianity!

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Dark Meat (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Nov 21st, 2001 at 04:39:49 PM PST
I believe Mr. Meat's wife was implying that she fantasized of being ravished by an African bushman. Perhaps the spear is a phallic symbol?

Uh, no. (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Nov 21st, 2001 at 10:17:14 PM PST
Please do not project your fantasies of being carnally serviced by dusky, musclebound African tribes-hunks onto other people. It's obvious that Mrs. Meat was referring to the upcoming thanksgiving holiday. Or did you also think that persons referring to "fireworks" during this past Fourth of July were talking about organizing a Bukakke party?

Reply (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Nov 22nd, 2001 at 04:08:42 AM PST
1. I don't know what a "Bukakke party" is, but my attempt to search for the term on the Internet was thwarted by my "Net Nanny" filtering software. Were you referring to something obscene?

2. It isn't obvious that Mrs. Meat was referring to Thanksgiving, as Mr. Rightmann admits that he is answering the letter months after it arrived.

3. While I may very well fantasize about being dominated and tamed by the dusky bushmen of Africa, the topic of discussion is Mrs. Meat's fantasy, not mine. She is obviously experiencing "Jungle Fever".

-Lonely Housewife in Wisconsin

Stop overanalyzing everything. (none / 0) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Nov 22nd, 2001 at 12:26:59 PM PST
Yes, the letter was sent months in advance, but it's clear that Mr. and Mrs. Meat were simply planning in advance for the upcoming holiday. Not everyone buys all their Christmas presents on December 24, you know.

You need to stop looking for sexual references in everything people do or say. If Mrs. Meat was interested in being serviced by a coloured gentleman, she would have said so: "Darling, I am interested in being serviced by a coloured gentleman. Would you mind?". This is how people ordinarily express themselves. Constantly looking for hidden meanings in everyday phrases just complicates life unnecessarily.

Confused (none / 0) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Dec 2nd, 2001 at 06:15:18 PM PST
Anyone who doesn't see this is something sexual is a fool. She clearly wants to experience a black man. It would be foolish for her to ask her husband if she could taste food. Thats almost as dumb as saying I've drunk orange juice all my life do you mind if I have apple juice.

You are seeing things, lonely (none / 0) (#14)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Nov 23rd, 2001 at 02:58:05 PM PST
At least in my part of America, people will cook a small turkey for reasons other than Thanksgiving. I though the letter had more relevance durung Thanksgiving, which is why I published it.

You desire is odd, but perhaps you can work some fantasy play with your husband. He could bathe in walnut shells (cf. Black Like Me) and wear an Afro wig, with yourfantasy ending in him planting his fertile seed in your womb so that you may procreate.

A. Rightmann

This fantasy role-play worries me... (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Nov 25th, 2001 at 04:56:03 PM PST
I would ask my husband to do this (i.e. bathe in walnut shells, wear an afro wig), but I am concerned that the children of this union would be taunted for their obvious bi-racial heritage.

Dark meat vs. White meat (none / 0) (#7)
by Well Adjusted Individual on Thu Nov 22nd, 2001 at 05:36:43 AM PST
This debate is endless - one may spend years debating the qualities and virtues of white meat and dark meat as one may spend debating which one of Jesus' "one liners" was the most thoughtful.

I, being a christian man myself worried about my health, would have to say that I prefer white meat. I believe, but can't prove it right now, that in the old testament white meat was also the most popular choice.

Anyway, Mr. Rightmann, once again you hit the nail on the head with you insightful and thoughtful responses yet I must ask again for you to write an article on why the "Church of Peter" is purer than the church of Our Lord Jesus Christ.
-- May the lord strike down those who are not rightous.

American culture (none / 0) (#19)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Dec 28th, 2001 at 07:38:14 PM PST
Do NOT judge america on this web site. This web site is filled with meaningless dribble that most americans do NOT agree with.

"allowing" your wife to eat dark meat. (none / 0) (#20)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Dec 28th, 2001 at 07:40:57 PM PST
It isn't your choice as to wether she eats dark meat or not. You do not own people. She can do whatever she wants whenever she wants, regardless of what you want. That might not make her a good wife, but you cannot stop her and that is what divorce is for.


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