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 I have not had relations for months!

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Oct 11, 2001
In this weeks column, Adam helps neighbors grieve, and helps a new father deal with changing family dynamics.

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Dear gentle readers,

Like many other advice columnists, my inbox has been flooded with material about the World Trade Center attacks and subsequent War on Terrorism. I don't want to only write about that though, it gets tiresome and tedious, something more editors should realize. But I will address especially pertinent questions occasionally.

Dear Adam,

Our neighbors lost their son in the World Trade Center attack. They're decent enough people, we've even invited them to our Church, but they preferred to go to a local Protestant church. What can I say to let them know I feel they anguish they're feeling?

Being a good neighbor

Dear Good Neighbor,

Just tell them you feel for their loss, and if it's any consolation, the few minutes of smoke and flame filler terror their son felt before dying in the tower collapse is minor compared to the eternity of torture their son will experience in Hell for not following the right Church.

Dear Adam,

A fwe months ago my wife gave birth to another daughter. Since them, she's been neglecting her wifely duties. How do I get her interested again, so that we can work on creating a son?

Eager to procreate again

Dear Eager,

I know all too well how you feel, as I have been in similar situations in the past. While according to the Bible, you have every right to take your husbandly rights, it makes for a smoother marriage if you can convince your wife to resume her wifely duties. Could you arrange a night with as many as your brood farmed out as possible, then some candles, some wine, and a sensous reading of the Song of Solomon? Until then, I suggest 10 Our Fathers kneeling on a cold cinderblock, and perhaps some self flagellation to control your urges.


"Control your urges"? (none / 0) (#2)
by tkatchev on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 07:44:48 AM PST
I thought keeping control of your bodily functions was just part of reaching adulthood.

Peace and much love...

For a while at least (none / 0) (#12)
by sdem on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 05:08:00 PM PST
Until you "grow out of it" around age 70.

having trouble getting wet (none / 0) (#14)
by sallly on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 11:45:53 AM PST
i am have\ing trouble getting wet, and horny, if i masterbate, sometimes that will work...i am pretty and in great shape for 40...should i try sex'nt that a sin

Have your husband appply AstroGlide of KY (none / 0) (#15)
by Adam Rightmann on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 01:56:53 PM PST
liquid (the liquid is much nicer than the gel) to your genitals before attempting coitus. Have him warm the liquid in his palm before applying it, and then have him slowly and lovingly apply it to the inside of your labia, near your clitoral hood, and then inside the outer part of your vagina. You may wish to put a few drops on his erect glans, also.

A. Rightmann

Too bad (1.00 / 1) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 08:06:03 AM PST
You too will burn in hell you papist scum.

"The correct answer was Mormons, yes Mormons."

Please, I expect a higher level of discourse here (none / 0) (#4)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 08:20:31 AM PST
If that is the best you can do, perhaps you can email that Validinator and ask him when his pornographic Geekizoid weblog will be back up.

A. Rightmann

vladinator... (none / 0) (#16)
by spacefem on Sun Oct 14th, 2001 at 02:04:57 PM PST
i miss geekizoid.

is a lazy bum (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Oct 14th, 2001 at 04:26:03 PM PST
welcome to adequacy spacefem


I disagree (none / 0) (#5)
by Well Adjusted Individual on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 09:31:45 AM PST
Mr. Rightmann, as a fellow christian - of a more fundamental nature of course because I cannot admit the twisting of the word of Christ into the cult of his mother Mary (a great woman, but not the queen of heaven) - I would like to tell you that I forgive you for making such a terrible acusation to us protestants. Yes, we may not be catholics like you and your readers, but we are good christians too!

After clearing that up - let me remind you that Mr. Eager's wife, in lacking to comply with her wifely duties, is sinning! Yes sir, she is sinning, it is her obligation to fulfil her godly chore and to procreate. However, I would never suggest any sort of violence or punishment to her - much as you suggested, I would say that he should call his pastor or minister and ask him to tell her that by not procreating she is sinning and, as a sinner, she would go straight to hell.
-- May the lord strike down those who are not rightous.

Please, until you submit to the Church of Simon-Pe (none / 0) (#6)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 10:08:59 AM PST
ter, the rock upon whom Jesus built his Church, do not pretend to be a Christian, good or otherwise. You might as well be one of those pleasant thinking New Wavers, worshipping kind thoughs and crystals.

A. Rightmann

Built on rocks? (none / 0) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 12:11:03 PM PST
Which church of Simon/Peter/Cephas would that be? Before or after the takeover by the Roman Empire? The Byzantine one, after the Empire of the West went into tailspin? The Russian one? Or how about the Italian based one with all the financial scandals and the child abuse cases? The one where the unmarried, supposedly celibate clergy give marital advice to normal people? The one that's in decline just about everywhere (except Malta, where catholics tend to be nice tolerant people even though they're in a 98% majority- what a refreshing change).

It seems to my simple mind that _anyone_ can claim to be the successor of St. Peter. However, I do not observe him appearing on prime-time TV (or even daytime soap ad breaks) to offer a ringing endorsement of any of the candidates.

The one true Christian faith... (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by tkatchev on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 12:32:32 PM PST
The one true Christian faith is the Orthodox Christian one. This is not an opinion, but a solid historical fact. Don't even try arguing here because you're just flat out wrong. Read some history. Catholicism is just an earlier version of protestantism -- they broke off from the real Christian Church because they wanted to worship the biship of Rome instead of Jesus Christ. (Not to mention the perverted legastic version of Christianity they invented.)

Peace and much love...

I guess I missed the part of the New Testament (5.00 / 1) (#10)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 12:41:26 PM PST
where Simon - Peter goes to Istanbul to found the true Church.

A. Rightmann

Indeed. (none / 0) (#11)
by tkatchev on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 01:36:59 PM PST
That's your oversight. The New Testament explains very clearly that the various bishops are supposed to be equal. The supposed "primacy" of the bishop of Rome was invented so that the Vatican city council could rake in tax money.

Peace and much love...

Simon Peter (none / 0) (#13)
by SpaceGhoti on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 04:19:05 AM PST
"...Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church..."

Seeing as "Peter" translates to "pebble," this suggests Christ decided to build his Church on a pebble. Sounds like an engineering marvel. I must remember this principle when my family builds our new house.

A troll's true colors.

You, Sir... (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by tkatchev on Thu Oct 11th, 2001 at 11:35:59 AM PST
Should know that nobody can go "straight to hell", not until death anyways. In any case, it is a strictly private matter between her and God; you have no business sticking your inquisitive nose where it does not belong. Please try to live a less sinful life yourself instead of trying to judge others.

May I remind you that "judge not lest ye be judged", and "let those without sin cast the first stone."

A large number of Christ's apostles and saints were also great sinners early on in their lives. (St. Augustine, for example.) I know that you're a godless protestant, but I would suggest that you read Saint's Lives to gain a balanced perspective.

Peace and much love...

Wow, this is scary... (none / 0) (#18)
by hauntedattics on Mon Oct 15th, 2001 at 09:39:15 AM PST
I can't believe I'm saying this, but tkatchev, I'm actually agreeing with you for once. There is way too much sticking of noses in private matters which should be between the person and God. In fact, one of the things that most annoys me about evangelical Christians is their willingness (compulsion?) to grill me within minutes of our first meeting on matters that I see as very personal and private. It's as if someone you met on an airplane suddenly started asking you for details on your sex life, your level of wealth, and other areas that fall under the 'none of your business' category.


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