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Why I love Hypermints:
Uses caffine crystals rather than caffine slag. 6%
Has natural sugar instead of carcinogenic artificial sweetener. 10%
Actually makes your breath smell good, not like ethelyne glycol. 0%
Made in USA, not by child laborers in a dictatorship. 13%
Supports freedom and justice, not hacking. 23%
Doesn't make your erection disappear just when you need it most. 46%

Votes: 30

 Caffeinated mints, and getting into the body you desire.

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Feb 27, 2002
It wasn't so long ago that like Larry Darrell in W. Somerset Maugham's The Razor's Edge, I drove cab. Not in New York City, of course, but when you're a hack, it doesn't matter where you are. It's all the same.

Twelve hour shifts is what it was about. That, and doing business with the scum of the earth. You get so sick of the broken down crack whores that you're glad to have some cheap con man for a fare. They seem so much classier by comparison; at least they smell better. Not that you can tell half the time, steeped as you are in the toxic extract of industrial-grade coffee beans. That's all you find at the gas stations and convenience stores that populate the world of the graveyard shift cab driver. I drank a hell of a lot of that bad coffee.

Factor in the cigarettes, and I was in the same class as my dirtbag fares, for a while anyway. But then I gave up smoking, and replaced that vile coffee with something better in every way. I discovered Hypermints, and my life changed forever.


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Aside from pimps and hookers and drunks, you do get to meet a few decent people driving cab. The bartenders and waitresses that serve the pimps and hookers and drunks need a ride home too, and after I kicked the last boozy loser and his skanky whore out of my cab, I went back to the closed-up bars and take the staff home.

Some of them are okay. Some are more than okay. Take the staff at a place like The Ram. That's one classy joint. The clientele is all young brokers and lawyers, mixing with future brokers and lawyers still in school. They come there for the brass fixtures, the real oak and cherrywood interior, and the beautifully-presented live baseball and football on the giant screen TV's. They drink classy booze too. Not Black Velvet or Jim Beam, but good stuff like Sam Adam's beer, or Voodoo microbrew, made right there on the premises.

They come there for the girls too. Not the ill whores that schlep drinks at the Dead End Tavern, no way. The waitresses there are mostly college girls who work out and do extreme sports. Snowboarding, mountain biking, tae bo, you know? And tanning salons too, and if they need breast implants, the get breast implants, because they're classy college girls like that who will some day marry a lawyer. Not a typical Spokane waitress who will have five abortions and six kids before she's 25, and gets kicked off welfare because of the time limit.

Used to be, these Ram waitresses would get into my cab and keep their full, pouty lips shut, and turn their small college girl noses to the window and away from their dirtbag driver. Who can blame them? I had yellow fingers and brown teeth and stank of coffee. I always had a cup of coffee stuck between the cushions of the front seat, and the Ram waitresses never asked for me by name.

I'll spare you the horror of my experience quitting cigarettes. But I quit, and one of the things I had to do to quit was change all my habits. You have to break up the patterns of your life. One of those patterns was to drink coffee nonstop. I needed an alternative. Something that was sweet where coffee was bitter. Something that felt fresh and cool where coffee felt warm and stale, like a swamp or a sweatlodge. Ask me about sweatlodges some time. I've got a couple sweatlodge stories for you, I shit thee not.

Well, anyway, I looked around and found those Lunix hacker mints. They were powdery and they dried out my sinuses to the point that I had nosebleeds. And the fake sweetener left an aftertaste that lasted an hour. No way was I going to quit coffee, let alone smoking, if I had to suffer like that. But I kept looking until I found Hypermints. Holy crap!

What had been some kind of walk through the desert, an ordeal of a lifetime, had become fun! It became like a happy little song that fills your head and makes you whistle a tune. I started to act different. I used to tilt my head forward and stare at people from behind my incredulous eyebrows. I stuck my jaw out and growled out my disbelief and contempt for everything everyone said. I'd sit in grimy diners with a butt in one hand a cup of oily joe in the other, and I went on about what shits people are. That all ended with Hypermints. I became boring right? A happy little drone like everyone else? No!

Listen. It's 2:30 am, and I'm waiting outside The Ram for my fare. Some waitress. I had a bottle of Evian water stuck between the seats and some jazz on the radio. I was sucking on a refreshing Hypermint, and humming along to Diana Krall. The door popped open, and I saw the brown, taut leg of a Ram waitress slide into the car. She had on those cargo shorts from Bananna Republic, and an Oxford shirt with the collar turned up. Blonde, of course. Her address was in some newer condos on the north side. I sipped a little water and pulled out into traffic. She was watching me.

"You aren't like the other drivers are you?" her voice was like a bell. Funny how nonsmokers who go outdoors and move a little sound, "You're drinking water and not smoking."

"And the other drivers do? I hadn't noticed." I grinned a little and looked at her sideways as she laughed. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. "Mint?" I said.

"Love one."


The Ram (none / 0) (#5)
by jvance on Wed Feb 27th, 2002 at 10:29:25 PM PST
So is the Ram in Spokane as classy as the Ram in Salem? I'll bet it is!
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

The Ram in Salem. (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 12:34:13 AM PST
The classiest place I've ever been, hands down. As a proud Salem resident I can tell you I have never been anywhere with the sophistication and elegance found at the Ram. Whether conversing with the knowledgeable and classy staff, or the top-notch ivy-league-material future CEO Willamette University students at the bar, the Ram is quite an intellectually engrossing and aesthetically pleasing experience.

sounds enticing (none / 0) (#7)
by nathan on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 12:50:28 AM PST
Ought I to begin planning a road trip?

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Absolutely! (none / 0) (#9)
by jvance on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 08:31:17 AM PST
However, being the unsuccessful and uncultured slob that I am, I found the refinement of the Ram too much to bear. I much preferred the uncouth clientele, smoky atmosphere, and incessant bar fights that I found at the Thompson Brewery.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Consult your physician first (5.00 / 2) (#8)
by lowapproach on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 06:31:34 AM PST
As an air traffic controller and avid runner, I take advantage of all the legal stimulants that I can find. Let me tell you something that works for me when I've had little sleep and must do paperwork to remain viable in my office structure, or run my daily seven miles...

A cup of green tea with honey and a pair of Xenadrine. Hours upon hours of power.

Xenadrine, like Hydroxycut and numerous products available through fitness-supplement distributor chains, is what they call an E/C/A stack - 20 mg of ephedrine, 200 mg of caffeine and 5mg of aspirin. For people with sluggish metabolisms, it raises the sitting heart rate an average of five to fifteen beats per minute and makes the body burn calories more readily. For those of us who struggle with the inevitability of sleep when there are so many more things to do with one's day, night and early morning...there's green tea and Xenadrine.

I will grant you that some people do have significant side effects to this, so read the bottle for dosage and pertinent advisories. However, most of Adequacy's readers probably have enough self-destructive habits that consolidating their stimulants down to two pills and a cup of flavonoid-rich green tea won't bring them to their first heart attack any sooner than it will otherwise come. This has been a public service announcement.

I can't believe this crap (2.50 / 2) (#10)
by DG on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 09:48:25 AM PST
wow elenchos sucking the corp dick are we?
trying to not to be overly rude but come on this is the more whorish thing i ever read.

how much money did you get to write that?
becuse it was so sickening.. try to have a bit more dignity next time. i lost all faith in you elenchos..

2002, DG. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Your ignorance is an offense to all humaninty. (none / 0) (#13)
by elenchos on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 12:46:50 PM PST
We chose Hypermints because we love them. We turned down several other advertisers who offered more money, but whose products were basically frauds. If you must know, they were a Lunix "distribution", and some "open source services" (?!) company.

I think what certain people can't stand is that is not a bunch of bitter, hateful, nihilistc has-been/ never-weres who think its "hip" to go around supporting lost causes and anti-social "movememts".

You want us to apologize to you for being good looking, popular, and successful? Fuck you.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

As a liberalist... (none / 0) (#18)
by tkatchev on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 10:38:17 PM PST
As a liberalist, elenchos doesn't believe in faith. Unless it's some sort of faith in your own genitals, that is.

Peace and much love...

It's impossible to respond.. (none / 0) (#19)
by elenchos on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 10:52:40 PM PST someone who accuses you of being something that your accuser can't even define. Furthermre it would be pointless to even address the question of whether or not I "believe in faith" since the word "faith" was originally used in one sense but interpreted by you in a completely different sense. And the thing about genitals is just pure noise.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Yes! (none / 0) (#22)
by tkatchev on Fri Mar 1st, 2002 at 04:32:54 AM PST
So does that mean that I win?

Peace and much love...

Well, (none / 0) (#24)
by elenchos on Fri Mar 1st, 2002 at 11:43:58 AM PST
You're no better or worse off than if you hadn't posted anything at all, and neither am I. I'd call it a draw. Or a waste of time. But if you consider it "winning", it's all the same to me.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Incredible. (none / 0) (#26)
by tkatchev on Sun Mar 3rd, 2002 at 11:48:20 AM PST
You are starting to sound awfully reasonable for a liberalist.

Better go read a scientific tractate on quantum darwinism before the malady progresses further!

Peace and much love...

GO pay for a subscription to slashdot. (none / 0) (#25)
by astrix on Fri Mar 1st, 2002 at 03:06:47 PM PST
teehee ... if you don't like it.

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty" --Thomas Jefferson

Fuck the asshole who wrote "hackers"! (none / 0) (#30)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 28th, 2002 at 02:08:31 PM PST
y0 me is a boy from sweden! i hate the sucker totaly

he is a fucked up parent and should have a psycicman 2 visit! he is really sick in his head!

POOR stupid man living in a idiotic world with a UNnice family> especialy himself!

//CyberMan not a hacker but im sitting infront of the computer more than 8 hours per day!

I am a spelling nazi (1.00 / 1) (#11)
by because it isnt on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 10:36:43 AM PST
Regarding the title of this article: the mints contain caffeine, so they are "caffeinated". -- because it isn't

regarding your name (5.00 / 1) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 11:20:02 AM PST
there should be an apostrophe in "isnt".

re: regarding your name... (none / 0) (#17)
by The dev0 on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 10:12:41 PM PST
...but can he guess where?

Never fight naked, unless you're in prison...

Good work, citizen! (1.00 / 1) (#21)
by because it isnt on Fri Mar 1st, 2002 at 02:39:01 AM PST
Thank you for pointing out that the Scoop/Adequacy system does not permit apostrophes in user names. I hadn't noticed until now. -- because it isn't

Umm... (none / 0) (#14)
by hauntedattics on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 04:09:56 PM PST
They come there for the brass fixtures...

Did you mean to say "go there" or were you under the influence of ana's diary entry when you wrote this?

Congratulations on the life 180, dear. Too bad I can't have caffeine, or I'd try those lovely mints myself.

or is it a subliminal joke? (nt) (5.00 / 1) (#15)
by nathan on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 04:32:11 PM PST

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Hmm. (none / 0) (#29)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Mar 7th, 2002 at 02:30:24 PM PST
It's really neat now the Hypermints ad is at the top of the screen while I read this excellent story about a smelly, depressed cab driver who has his life turned around by none other than Hypermints! What a coinkidink!

YOU ARE A RETARD (none / 0) (#31)
by vrohn on Thu Jun 6th, 2002 at 12:42:18 PM PST
None of that which you wrote about in that peice of crap you call an article had anything to do with hacking, or your son being one. Flash is not a hacker program.... its a program used to create movies, and web sites as well as other graphic computer files. Bonzi buddy is simply a program that says what you type in teh box.... Quake is a video game, not an online meeting place where "uber" hackers go to recruit net mongers. Your son changing his appearance is just a way of rejecting the system of follow the cool people because then you will be cool to, nothing to do with hacking. (you might want to worry about drug use though because those type of things go with what you described) Nothing you wrote about had anything to do with hacking. Linux is not illegal, as a matter of fact its very legal, and very useful with web servers and the such.

Hacker??? (none / 0) (#32)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 10:11:45 PM PST


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